Too much

I am going to mostly disappear for awhile. There has been too much stress put on the system and it has broken me down. I would sob if I could but I am not a crier.

I am floating. I am not attached to anyone or anything. Ground control to Major Tom you’re circuit’s dead there’s something wrong can you hear me Major Tom?

No.

I have no fight left in me. Feel like a jackass for working so, so hard to feel “better”. But Better is a mythical beast. It casts out illusions frommtime to time that may glance in our direction as they whir beyond us.

All of the therapy and the breathing and the money and the running and the meditation and all the fucking piano…just a jackass trying to be “Well” when for me there is no such thing.

Last night my wife said it scares me to think of bow much anger you have inside of you. I said you cNnhave no idea. No. Idea. She nodded, pretending to understand and care. But she does neither really.

Who am I keeping myself alive for, anyway? Hmmm? Not for me, nobody else gives half a shit. Valid question yet again. We’ll just have to see how it all works out.

Advertisements

11 Comments

  1. August 24, 2010 at 7:15 am

    we all give a shit!! You have to believe that!

    I am thinking maybe you could contact my brother who is on twitter @WizardOfOsrin he suffered from horrible depression (and still does to some extent)…..he writes articles for examiner.com about Bon Jovi (what connection do you ask?) It appears that it was Bon Jovi’s lyrics that got him through an intense suicidal time nearly 2 years ago. Ironically he just posted 2 in a series….I think he really would understand what you are going through. Wish I could help but we DO give a shit!

  2. I'm DID & so am I said,

    August 24, 2010 at 7:39 am

    I understand what you’re going through. Been there many times. Sometimes we need to give ourselves some breathing room. It will pass, although at times we wonder if it will.
    Our minds can only deal with so much and then it’s time for a much needed break. Get some rest, you are overwhemed. Let friends and family know you need some support to get through this difficult time.
    Let me know if there’s anything I can do.
    jo

    • August 24, 2010 at 8:23 am

      Thanks. No point, I always end up here no matter what I do or try or who I talk to. Always here. But thank you

  3. Karita said,

    August 24, 2010 at 8:47 am

    I feel like I’m echoing these thoughts myself. What’s the fucking point if I’m always going to end up back here anyway? But I trust that this will pass for you honey, and in the meantime, I’m here to offer virtual hugs to you.

    xx

  4. Afterglow said,

    August 24, 2010 at 12:12 pm

    Not that my comments mean much, but I do care, Splint. Hope you can reach out when you need it. I’m always here. Thinking of you! ❤

  5. Melissa said,

    August 24, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    I give a shit too. Please take care of yourself and try to be kind. Here if I can help at all. Much love. Issa xx

  6. Ravin said,

    August 24, 2010 at 5:17 pm

    Gal, you know I give a shit and then some!
    This is a slide into the pit. I know it’s hard to see that right now, cuz all you see is the black hole. But it’s a slide, these happen, but all those things you were doing were worthy, it’s all about the small steps forward.

    (((((((hugs))))))))

    I’m here and I care.

    Ravin

  7. IAmEchad Twitter said,

    August 24, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Hey hon. I do care. You do matter. You were one of the first to reach out to me when I felt so alone and crazy. I don’t know exactly how you feel but I do know utter despair, hopelessness and feeling like I can tolerate living another second. I also know in hindsight it always does get better. Sometimes notes from others can feel like platitudes, but I’m sincere in what I say. I’ll DM you my phone number. I’m here to give a listening ear. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t break my confidentiAlity.

    Sending safe hugs

  8. Psychology Student #-55 said,

    August 25, 2010 at 5:15 am

    *Bear hugs* We care, we all care love.
    If there’s anything any of us can do to help you past this, just ask ok?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: