Black

All I can see is this incredible undefinable pain. Here’s been my last couple of weeks.

Take wife to my house in Maine for a break. It’s a lovely isolated spot. Aunt had told me nobody would be visiting so we took that time to be gone. First day 2 cousins are there and then 10 more descended for the weekend. Wife livid I need to relax all these people I hate this blah blah. Family left Sunday night but dad and aunt both sick and won’t go to hospital. Running around trying to care for both of them
And get wife happy, which seem impossible tasks. Tuesday a cousin popped in wife went apoplectic. Next to last day finally got dad and aunt to medical care. On way home wife says she had a horrid time. Feel responsible for it.

Next day have a straight wedding in far suburbs. Get totally lost in the suburbs. Struck me that the road we were on was very familiar. Primary pedophile’s house suddenly there. Shit

While away iPhone, which holds all my contacts music apps tax info blah blah freezes up. Spend 3 1/2 hrs Saturday, 3 hrs Sunday w/Apple tech support to no avail. Drive 45 minutes to Apple store Monday. Give me
New phone come home restores won’t work. Get w/Apple guy he says lemme call you in 15 minutes. As of this moment no call back. Bottom line is that it’s all gone. In computer but something won’t lemme access. So I’m totally fucked.

As I was trying to recover at least email came across some old lying emails from old lying T. Totally kicked off abandonment shit which always sends me into panicland and I don’t even know it.

C was on am ac a for 3 weeks. Saw her before I left then she went away again, gone until Sept 1. No alternative contacts.

It’s all just too much.

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4 Comments

  1. Sarah Olson said,

    August 25, 2010 at 9:43 am

    You *will* get through this. It seems hopeless, but that doesn’t make it so. All the things you are doing to “get well”, are cumulative and reinforce each other. They will be there when you break out of this slump; they are there even now if you choose to do them.

    Like playing the piano; it’s given you such pleasure and wonder — and you can probably count it as one of your self-soothing things you can do that you don’t have to think about much. Get lost into something like the music; disappear into something that keeps you safe in the meanwhile. If you can do it on your own, great. If you need help, make the call that keeps you safe.

    You’ve got a whole army here of people who care very much about you. Lean on us.

    hugsss

    Sarah

  2. Splinteredones said,

    August 25, 2010 at 12:42 pm

    Thanks. Know I am irrational but can’t seem to fix it. Thinking psych hospital for a rest maybe will help me reset.

  3. Susan said,

    August 25, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    Splint – it sounds like you’ve had more than your share of stressors here. I’m sorry that you’ve got this to manage. Geez. It can seem so overwhelming I know. You are an amazing person and I have complete faith in you and your abilitites. Drop by anytime to get a warm fuzzy. x ….Susan:)

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 25, 2010 at 3:57 pm

      Thanks. Don’t really have that same faith but w/shrink’s help I can stay safe if nothing else.


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