Rage doesn’t kill by itself

I made a pretty big realization the other day. For valid reasons I found myself in this towering rage that I’ve had sitting in me since the beginning of time. I have never been able to look at it because it seems directly linked to ghastly physical atrocities and the real possibility of my death.

What I have in my head are two main examples of this level of hatred: the hatred my pedophiles showed for me as they were committing these atrocities on my young little body. And the fury I came to feel toward them as I was being raped or kicked or had a gun shoved in me someplace.

This connection is so strong between my ancient history and that kind of rage that I skipped the verb in the assumption of grave danger. That is, somebody was DOING something dangerous and extremely painful while somebody (me or them) was feeling the fury.

My perp can do nothing more to me. He’s dead, died this slow agonizing death that feels like a shred of justice. And if that doesn’t happen again I won’t be feeling the intense anger at anything in the present-day world. It’s only the past.

This all ties into a neat little package when I’m reminded of that chronic suicidal ideation/thinking is always a lovely side dish for this fury. Because there were many times when I thought I could die at any second. I belittle the value of my life because it could have ended at any time. It’s a coincidence that I’m still here, really. He could have just as easily pulled the trigger.

So. I’ve no clue as to how to diffuse this tsunamis anger but at least I know I can feel it and it doesn’t mean that in seconds I may be dead.

The End.

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6 Comments

  1. August 30, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    This sounds too intense to deal with all by yourself. Congratulations on being able to feel it. I have done some feeling of my rage and it still scares me.

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 5:45 am

      Yah, too much to do by myself for certainit’s unstable ground to say the least. Don’t rush to feel it very overwhelming. ;). Thank you honored you’d stop by 😉

  2. Ravin said,

    August 30, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Hey Gal this is really good work at looking and feeling. Rage is scary, the past stuff horrible and put together no wonder the black pit shows up.

    I know yah don’t wana here it but give yourself a pat on the back, maybe lots of them.

    Ravin

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 5:47 am

      Yep..pat on the back? Maybe no so much. Glad it seems helpful for ya. Thanks love

  3. I'm DID & so am I said,

    August 30, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    I’ve tried working on my anger, but no success. My parts carry all of it. It’s good you can get in touch with it.

    Both my perps are dead too, and I agree, it’s only a shred of justice.

    I always admire the hard work you do and all the insight you have.

    jo

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 5:50 am

      Aw thanks. Love the name change BTW. is what is ya know? Just….dealing as best I can. The fury is toxic the longer it hangs around I do know that


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