Is What Is

****MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING****

So last night I wS watching this show on tv called Intervention. They follow an addict around for a few days then do an Intervention on them and send them away to recover. Much of this show is about how out of control these people are. And there’s always, always a trauma. Last nite the gal was date-raped at 20 and it completely devastated her.

Then this morning I get a thing in my invox asking how ppl deal with trauma anniversaries. I’m apoplectic.

I do not in any way intend to minimize anybody’s traumas in this post. I understand fully the magnitude of such life-altering experience.

But I willalso say that there is no way one can understand repeated or ritualized sexual abuse of young children unless one has gone thru it. It
S a scale of damage and horror that one can only understand if they have lived thru it

As my readers know I survived some really vile and dangerous abuse from age 2 tll 12-13. I have been raped or otherwise sexually traumatized some 35-45 times in my early youth. I have been Fu Jed by guns. Prostituted out. It just goes on and on and on.

And nobody can get what that really is. Not even close. Because it’s just unimaginable horror.

I’m so far beyond being livid just now. Single-event trauma has nothing to do with what I went they. In all my days on Earth I have talked w/a thousand survivors of single-event abuse. It’s tough and I don’t want to minimize that in any way. But I have met only two people in my day whose early experiences are similar to my story.

There are no relevant groups for ppl like me. I have been kicked out of a few groupsbecause of the atrocity leveling have undergone. Ilook at every shrink or therapist I’ve ever had, certain that they really have no idea of the real devastation of my soul.

It’s such an isolating thing. When you k ow that nobody, nobody can ever understand.

The End.

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46 Comments

  1. Tiger said,

    August 31, 2010 at 7:09 am

    Oh, Splint. How utterly frustrating for someone to assume that there is that much similarity between a single event trauma and the repeated horror of what you went through. Of course it’s tough, but it’s kind of like comparing apples and oranges–sure, they’re both fruit, but the orange has sections, and little juicy bits in the sections, and the apple has none of that. Just a star in the middle, I it’s cut in half properly.

    Many hugs.
    Tiger

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 8:57 am

      Thanks hon. Is what is I know, just sayin’

  2. Susan said,

    August 31, 2010 at 8:09 am

    I’ve seen programs like what you’ve described and it p*****s me off too that the world of psych anything is so clueless to the issues behind addiction and other destructive behaviors. And again – I”m so sorry for your experiences as a child. We can never “get over” these kinds of things – but I do hope that you find a way to make peace with it.

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 9:03 am

      It just gets under my skin from time to time. Is what it is. I think of it as the difference between building a model car and building the Queen Mary. There are dangers in working with the car that are real, like the glue smell or getting a serious cut. All sexual abuse is devastating. All of it. It breaks every victim’s soul. But RA, things I survived, that’s a very different thing.

  3. IAmEchad Twitter said,

    August 31, 2010 at 9:12 am

    TRIGGER WARNING-
    *VERY* GRAPHIC

    Fortunately, or unfortunatly, we do have a couple things in common. I hear your frustration and anger of your childhood and life in general always being so far different from what your average abuse person has survived. I understand that you can feel empathy for them but also having the belief that  is not politically correct that trauma is trauma is  not always true. 

    The good news is that I did find a place where I fit in and was understood. People with “regular” trauma were the ones that felt out of place. Here was the only place where i could reveal the unspoken. Some of the women were sold, prostituted, sex trade, kidnapping, having to kill other children, buried alive, sacrifices, programming, etc. There are other things I won’t list. I hope I haven’t said too much. 

    So that place exists where ALL are welcomed and accepted. 

    Very safe hugs are offered,
    Simcha (IAmEchad)  

  4. Sarah Olson said,

    August 31, 2010 at 9:40 am

    I’m confused about to whom your anger is directed. To anyone who equates single event trauma to yours? To therapists who do? To the victims themselves?

    I’m also confused about your statement that in all your years you’ve only met two people whose experiences are similar to yours. The exact atrocities you survived may not be the same, but anyone with DID/MPD had their own repeated heinous atrocities to deal with. Because people don’t share as openly about their childhood as you do does not mean they couldn’t possibly understand what you went through. So … how did you arrive at the number two?

    I don’t know what groups you were thrown out of but most groups don’t allow the kind of raw disclosure you have done because it’s highly triggering to other members, even with trigger warnings. Not because they don’t understand what you’ve gone through, but because *they do understand*, and may be in such a fragile place that being reminded of anyone’s atrocities floods them with their own.

    Your belief that nobody could possibly understand *is* isolating, but thinking that way is rather limiting and self-defeating, no?

    Keep safe,

    Sarah

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 12:25 pm

      Well I hear ya hon. A dear friend put it like this: two people are sitting in the ER. one has a smashed pinkie finger that is very painful and will take extensive surgery to get it back to where it was. The other person had lost an arm at age 2 and has just had the other completely severed. There is no way that the person w/the broken finger to possibly understand the agony and gushing blood of the other’s trauma. Not even close.

      It’s that simple, really. The person with no arms can’t be ” restored” because they don’t recall life w/2arms and there is no stitching back the other. This person can understand the pain of the pinkie but they have/are dealing with so much more that’s not comprehendible.

      So at whom am I angry exactly? Anybody who says that these two ppl are feeling any related feelings much at all. I don’t believe that single-trauma in Groups understand the angst of the multiple but can’t deal. They can’t possibly get it any more that I get the pain of the Sudanese boy soldier.

      I don’t need to hear any stories. Just because I’ve chosen to tell a few of mine doesn’t cause me to adjudge anyone else’s decisions. But the bottom line is that I haven’t heard anything close to my kidhood, even from other multiples save for two women. I suppose my general stance is let’s trade lives and then tell me all about it.

      I know this is an unpopular stance and it’s not one that I carry perpetually. It just gets under my skin from time to time. We spend so many resources on rape crisis and date rape yet for multiples we drug them into catatonic and make them pay tens of thousands for private therapy. Unless of course they just go ahead and kill themselves.

      So yes it may be isolating to understand that so few ppl get it. But it is what is. Thanks for ur candor hon

      • Sarah Olson said,

        August 31, 2010 at 2:34 pm

        You’re talking crushed pinky vs arm amputation. (Just as an aside, what if the person with the crushed pinky is — or was — a gifted brain surgeon? It’s never really so black and white.)

        I’m talking about people at one end of a spectrum who are grievously wounded inside — on the order of magnitude of amputation — but you may not see it or know it yet. They may be so wounded that they need to believe “it only happened once”, and everything about them is a denial.

        At the other end of the spectrum I’m talking about people, like some multiples, who may be farther along in the recovery process, who understand what happened to them to the extent possible, and no longer feel a need to discuss the details, and so don’t. Really good therapy does make that possible in some cases.

        In either situation, they don’t talk about the details, so you can’t possibly know the true extent of what they’ve endured. And because memories are fragmented and denial is a good friend, even people who talk about what they’ve endured may downplay it.

        I’ve been online talking with multiples for almost 20 years. The sad fact is there are way too many people who do understand what you endured. If you are open to finding them, you can broaden both of your mutual support systems.

        I’m saying the room is full of amputees. Really.

        All said with tremendous respect and affection,

        Sarah

      • August 31, 2010 at 5:01 pm

        Hi Sarah, I remember being here before. I threw a fit at a seemingly harmless joke somebody posted as hilarious. Went I think like this: Sign at a coffee shop–all unattended children will be given lattes and a puppy. This to me is an example of luring behavior wrapped in a joke. We differed on my reaction then and I think this is a similar thing. I have zero tolerance for any kind of humorous venture that includes the luring of children. The punchline is irrelevant. I got the joke, keep track of your kids ha ha. But clearly the thing revolved around luring children with coffee and a dog. I will never, never accept that kind of thing as funny. No one really understood what I was saying then, either. Because it hadn’t been pointed out. Few people probably get it even after this explanation.

        I think I hear you telling me that over time I will lose this drive to tell my story and have it be the worst one at the campfire. Frankly it’s my story and to me it is the worst, regardless of anybody else. I have spent a long time in therapy, in and out of psych hospitals, paying out hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have told the story enough.

        It is not fun for me to talk about the shit that happened to me hon. Everytime I write about it it is in my mind and frankly I really don’t want to be spending my time there. You know how much better I am doing, working with a therapist who personally is much more invested in me learning how to live a great life than constantly stirring the freaking pot.

        It is a personal commitment to improving access to resources. It is about saying hey America I know you don’t want to hear it and you feel safer calling me a liar but I am here. This shit happens. If we don’t create the demand for services, they will continue to not be there for us. Specifically, for me. I want better education and resources for professionals. I want more research on dissociation. I want children in schools to be better protected, to be taught to tell and tell and tell until somebody hears them. I want this stuff but nobody is gonna make it happen if nobody speaks up.

        What happened to me was not a part of some great Master Plan. I hate that crap. This special documentary tonight on trauma anniversaries just points out where those resources are going. Rape is palatable so we need to help those people.

        I was put in handcuffs and taken to jail in college for holding my girlfriend’s hand. We were released but the point was made. I sued and won I think it was court costs. This is the same thing. Somebody has to start. I realize that that can make me an asshole sometimes but it is what it is.

        It has been suggested that perhaps I should password protect my blog for “privacy”. Which runs completely counter to the point of speaking up. I have told the stories I know the words by heart. I am well past the point of shock or a need to get them out of me. What I need is a megaphone.

        Thanks for caring hon and for your honesty. You know that I have great respect and love for you and I greatly appreciate your words.

  5. IAmEchad Twitter said,

    August 31, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Ah, yes. Sarah made a point I couldn’t quite get the words for: that sometimes silence (at least online) doesn’t mean there’s a lack of understanding but because it’s (the trauma) understood all too well.

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 12:30 pm

      I ask no one to tell their story just because for me it’s important to share some of mine. I do so as a political choice, to say hey these things happen. They are real and survivors deserve better than to just be kept silent and forgotten. I have not shared all of my story nor the worst of it.

      • IAmEchad Twitter said,

        August 31, 2010 at 7:26 pm

        I know you don’t ask people to tell their stories. I’m just suggesting you’re not as alone as you think. For example, if I’m in a room full of strangers and want to know who speaks my language, I can’t judge just on the basis of only a couple who speak because those who remain quiet might actually speak my language. I’ll never know unless each chooses to speak.

        Does that make sense?

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 1, 2010 at 7:23 am

      Yeah, I guess that I don’t believe in a community that’s invisible. There are many brave, brave ppl here and we’re all very fortunate to have one another. But if someone doesn’t speak up, how can anybody know they’re there?

      • IAmEchad Twitter said,

        September 2, 2010 at 6:16 pm

        Yup. I think we’re on the same page now.

  6. I'm DID & so am I said,

    August 31, 2010 at 10:35 am

    I just had a long reply and accidentally hit the wrong button. ARG!!

    I watch Intervention also, and did see last nights episode. It doesn’t matter if someone is abused once or hundreds of times, abuse is abuse. BUT, I agree with you, many don’t understand what it’s like for people like us that have been abused hundreds of times.

    I was sexually abused from the age of 2 1/2 years through mid teens by my grandmother and uncle. THE most difficult for me is what my grandmother did to me and vice versa. Second most difficult is what my uncle did to me and what he made me do to my sister (thankfully she has no memories.)

    Some people will never get it. Complete ignorance on their part. I’ve joined some groups, but they too, don’t get it. I don’t waste my time anymore with them.

    I do to myself, what my perps did to me almost every day, and now one of my parts is doing the same. I have so much anger built up, 50 years worth, and can’t and don’t know how to get it out, other than punishing my body for betraying me. I’m told it’s normal to feel the arousal during flashbacks and triggers. Like that makes me feel better!

    I wake-up almost every day in the black hole. I’d rather be dead, it’s easier than fighting to get better. But there’s that miniscule part that wants to get better.

    As I said earlier, some will never get it. Never. I do understand your anger. I hope you will feel a little better as the day goes on. I wouldn’t wish DID on anyone.

    I’d better stop rambling.

    Take care,
    jo

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 12:37 pm

      Ah hon. You don’t have to relive ur traumas every day to either punish yourself or to keep them alive as “proof” that they happened. You know even if nobody else does. I hear you about the bodily betrayal thing and it is a major bitch to deal with. I have been picking at it in little bits and pieces for years. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

      I hope that you’re in therapy hon. If you are I’d review that relationship maybe but these are bigger issues than you can handle on your own. It’s not a waste with the right person. Promise. I find that running/exercise really helps me. Yoga is a godsend.

      You can feel better. Your every moment doesn’t have to be in the Pit. I am living proof.

  7. August 31, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    It makes me sick to hear of the degree that some of us survivors have been abused. I can’t relate to that level of sickness in the abusers. I can relate to how much another survivor hurts because I have my own hurts that still need to be resolved.

    Like you, I don’t have one day to choose for a trauma anniversary. When I read those articles I assume the person writing it either only had one day of trauma, like date rape or something similar. Like you, I have many, many days of abuse. Mine was from the age of 11-17 that I have memories of. I have clues that say my own abuse may have started by the age of 3 but I don’t have memories to go with the clues. It used to bother me that I didn’t have those memories of the abuse. I used to think, “What could be so much worse than the memories that I already have?” Then one day I realized that the issues that I could handle at 11 years old might be issues that a 3 year old doesn’t have the tools to deal with and survive so the memories got blocked by my mind so that I could survive.

    None of my memories are as vile as most of what you talk about or hint at from your childhood. That doesn’t mean that I can’t have sympathy for you and the little child that you were. I want to protect you but know that I can’t. I went to 12-Step meetings and started to talk about my incest issues. After a few months of me talking, two people in the group decided to confront me in the group and basically told me that they were tired of hearing all of my stories of incest. I listened. I went home. I thought about what they said. I got really, really angry with the two of them. Then I looked at what they had said and what they didn’t say. I already knew that the woman had her own issues with incest that she didn’t want to look at. Every time that I talked, I reminded her of her own unresolved issues. I went back to the meetings and continued to talk. Shortly thereafter, the other two people quit coming to the meetings. I continued for almost 10 years.

    I could have quit after being told to just shut up about my issues. I didn’t. That meeting was the first place that I broke my silence about the incest. Most of my original work on my incest issues, I did in that group.

    I may not understand the abuse that you have gone through but I do understand the anger, the rage at your abusers and yourself. I have been there. (((Hugs to you.)))

  8. Splinteredones said,

    August 31, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Thanks hon. I wouldn’t wish this on any woman. I guess empathy and understanding are tied in my mind. But I hear you that you can get how I may have been impacted and I do hear this, a new way of looking at it I suppose.

    Thanks.

  9. Susan said,

    August 31, 2010 at 2:18 pm

    As I’ve read the comments and re read your post Splint I recall the rage. For a long time I just wanted someone to “get” what I’d survived and the hell my life had been. I carried the resentments while the perps got to live a life and I fell into the pit of hell when I couldn’t pretend that I was ok any longer and the drugs the docs prescribed knocked me on my ass.

    There was a time though that I realized that I could choose to continue to dwell in that dark place or learn to live beyond it. Either way – those who hurt me are not affected and the world is not going to jump on my bandwagon because they just don’t understand. They can’t.

    And I might be able to relate to your story in some ways and you mine. But I will never know what you’ve survived nor you me. No one can understand what they have not experienced themselves.

    Many have come out of really horrible things; the mental health system does a (excuse me) sh*t job of working with us. And like I was saying earlier today – our trauma experiences are as unique as our finger prints or a snowflake but the effect is the same for all of us with a few variances here and there. But – the path out of the darkness is the same. To face instead of avoid the pain and the nightmares, to feel the rage and cry the tears and do it with the purpose to heal. “To go through to get out of”.

    It would be grand if the mental health system gave us something useful to work with but they don’t. I spent over 15 years in that medicated stupor you talk about and today live way beyond what the “professionals” told me I could ever have. I did what they said could not be done. And excuse me again – but I am damned proud of that. Am I “perfect”? No. How could I be? But I’ve learned how to live beyond the past and it started by being willing to let it go and learning how to do this healing thing.

    Giagantuous traumas suck big time but I am evidence that we don’t have to stay fragmented and live in that tortuous place.

    I realize that you and your readers may not be interested in what I have to say – but how could I not say it when I see my friends suffering so terribly? So – as they say…take what you want and leave the rest.

    Sent with love.

    Namaste my friend.

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 2:41 pm

      Of course I’m interested hon. For the most part I am living way beyond I should be. Jell I shouldn’t even be alive. I don’t need to be understood by everyone because I know that’s impossible anyway. But at the same time I believe it NEEDS to be said that there are layers of trauma and then there are others. All sexual abuse is horrendous. Yes. I would take nobody’s story away from them. But it is just not true that it’s all the same. That one date rape is equal in it’s impact as the brutality that some of us have suffered.

      Where do we as a nation put our money? Rape crisis. Single-event crisis. What about the multiples? Drugged up and poor. This is not okay with me.

      As you know, for the most part I am a pretty engaged person. There’s a special on TV tonite as you know about celebrating anniversaries of trauma. What happens to those of us who have 40 of them? We are not represented. Plain and simple. This is what touched off my teenagers today? Anniversary? One date? Ya know what? Fuck that Resources are not placed appropriately for those of us who need it most because what we survived is JUST TOO HEINOUS. Nobody wants to hear it and WE ARE NOT UNDERSTOOD. Because we are not understood we are marginalized out of existence. And gosh I’m sorry but that is just not okay. We are an Oprah-driven culture in that we want to hear little tell-all’s and we’re fascinated by the words of serial perps. But is there space on her show for us? No.

      This is in part why I let the teenagers go today. No understanding means no resources. It means Trauma means single-event horrors because that is all we as a culture can wrap our heads around.

      If nobody says a thing no possibility exists for change. Change in understanding change in philosophy change in funding. I will not be dismissed forever for that is just another form of self-victimization. And frankly that’s just no fin anymore.

      Thanks for your candor hon.

  10. Holly Gray said,

    August 31, 2010 at 4:00 pm

    I guess I’m confused about what you’re angry about too. Did the tv show say that single event trauma is on par with repeated, chronic, ritual childhood abuse? That would be terribly ignorant & I certainly hope that wasn’t said.

    Validating the very real suffering of survivors of single event trauma isn’t the same thing as equating that with the suffering of survivors of repetitive trauma.

    • August 31, 2010 at 4:30 pm

      I guess all I can really say is to re-read this. I have few new words left really hon. Maybe it’s because I am a member of a minority that’s denied our basic civil rights in this country. If nobody talks up, if everybody is silent, nothing gets spent in terms of resources. No population at large wants to know that people like me or me and whoever exist. Nobody wants to think that such things can happen. My own family denied it for many years. No one is going to speak up for survivors of horrendous child sexual abuse but the survivors themselves. Only when we are seen will our needs be recognized, will research and education for professionals take place. Will we get consistent DSM definitions for god’s sake. Will drug research happen. Will our unique needs as a population be met.

      We have to create the demand. No one will do it for us. I for one am not content waiting for somebody else to do it. I don’t oppose anyone else’s decisions regards privacy. Our stories belong to us and us alone.

      I do not enjoy degrading myself telling of the horrid things that happened to me. It is not fun. But somebody has got to start. Somebody has got to open up their mouth and say hey I am here, my percentage of the population is here. I can handle it so I’m doing it.

      This TV special today is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Resource allocation. One anniversary, one trauma. OK, says America, I can handle that. And bam that’s how trauma is exclusively defined until something comes along to change it. Resource allocation.

      Thanks for your comment and your participation, hon. Candor is a beautiful thing. Peace.l

      • IAmEchad Twitter said,

        August 31, 2010 at 7:43 pm

        My T is right with you. She said it’s apalling that the field & grad school programs cover very little teaching about dissociation in general esp DID. She said she was as guilty as her colleagues of being ignorant. She said all that changed when she met me. I was the first client she’s ever had with DID. She said she knew almost nothing. Resources beyond a superficial depth were few and far between. Now she’s a major advocate in the MH community here. She’s speaking up to her peers and found specialized treatment to better help me. Now three others have been sent to her.

        Not only do people in general need to know that in our own back yard young children are being raped and tortured. Professionals need to be educated too. More resources need to be made available to all.

        Rape, torture and murder of children don’t just occur overseas. It’s happening to the children next door and across town. We need to save and care for our own precious children for they are part of our future too.

        Oh. I just realized I ended up on a soap box. You are so right. So much more needs to be done. Help needs to reach further than rape crisis programs

      • Splinteredones said,

        September 1, 2010 at 7:13 am

        To ECHAD: thank you thank you thank you my dearest for getting what I’ve been apparently unable to clearly state. Activism at it’s core is removing the cloak of invisibility. Nobody is going to just hand out support funding if we continue to not be invisible. I am not saying that anybody should tell their story. Because that’s just not PC and I am not willing to chase the tail of this thing any longer. But is what is. Somebody’s gotta do it.

  11. Holly Gray said,

    August 31, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    I re-read the post but I didn’t see where you mentioned that the show equated single event trauma with ritual abuse. So I’ll just assume the answer to my question is no, and that the show did not in fact say that.

    I realize I’m missing something here, because what I hear you saying is that no one is speaking out and that no one understands. But you’re an active member of a surprisingly large group of people who are speaking out about their experiences and most certainly do understand. Everybody speaks out in their own way, but I hope you don’t allow others’ silence about their personal trauma history to mislead you into believing they simply don’t have them.

    Any honest discussion of the damaging and often life-changing repurcussions of trauma is, in my opinion, a move in the right direction. I didn’t see the tv show you’re referring to, but from what I gather of your description, I would include the show in the “move in the right direction” category. Rather than minimizing this woman’s experience, which is what all too often happens, it sounds like Intervention validated that the trauma she endured not only happened, but impacted her life in devastating ways. That seems like a good thing to me!

    Ultimately, in my opinion, the amount or severity of the trauma has nothing at all to do with its legitimacy. Someone does not have to have suffered more than me or as much as me in order to receive my empathy and compassion. Partly because I don’t believe a my-trauma-is-worse-than-yours attitude benefits anyone, least of all me; and partly because I believe it would be presumptuous of me to assume I can accurately measure someone else’s sufferring by comparing only what I know of their life with all that I know of mine.

    • Splinteredones said,

      August 31, 2010 at 6:53 pm

      I kinda have the feeling that you’re trying to argue w/me than trying to engender real communication, hon. I’m sorry if I’ve set off anything. As you say, we all have our own ways in activism. And we each have the right to participate as we do. Thanks for your candor and your thoughts. Peace out ;).

      • Holly Gray said,

        August 31, 2010 at 7:13 pm

        No apology necessary, you haven’t set off anything! Far from it, I just genuinely wanted to understand your perspective. I did not want to assume anything. But I respect your decision not to clarify your position.

        Take care,
        Holly

      • August 31, 2010 at 7:22 pm

        Glad I didn’t set anything off. Thanks, peace out 😉

  12. Renee said,

    August 31, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    Hi,
    I watch Intervention and realized that these people used a different path than others. They turned to alcohol and drugs. Daily they were screaming I HURT! Yet in cases like me, others, children and adults we live in silence. My past, my nightmare, has to be contained.. I have to control the memories or else I will lose control of life, and of self. I refuse to do that. I would love to have a support group to go to. They have so many for drug and alcohol users. I would love to beable to relate to others that have simular trauma. I don’t want to cry on someones shoulder, I don’t want to go to meetings that are not revelant to my needs…. I’m tierd of being alone.

    • August 31, 2010 at 7:32 pm

      Ah hon. There is such hope for a far better life. There is such hope for true happiness for you. I hate it when people say they know how I feel, and I’m not going to tell you that I do. But I recall feeling the way you describe and it totally sucked. There are resources out there and here. I would like to help you get started on that path. You can send me a direct msg on Twitter and we can start. You never have to tell me or anybody what happened to you, ever, and you can still have much happiness in your life. I’m splinteredones on Twitter. I lived most of my life believing what you describe. It can be better. With some help it can be amazing.

    • IAmEchad Twitter said,

      August 31, 2010 at 7:52 pm

      I don’t know if this is your case, but my therapist is now seeing others with DID. So she asked each of us if we were interested in getting together as a group. So she started a group for all of us and her to meet together. So far it’s going well.

      • Splinteredones said,

        September 1, 2010 at 7:02 am

        That’s good hon. I’m really not into ppl at this time, trying actually to focus on just moving forward in my life. Sounds cool tho’

      • IAmEchad Twitter said,

        September 2, 2010 at 6:52 pm

        I see you moving forward and I’m so glad you’re a part of my life.

      • Splinteredones said,

        September 3, 2010 at 6:23 am

        Seems like it 😉

  13. August 31, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    As I read your post, I found myself nodding along. I am among the people who, like you, have survived atrocities on a scale that an average mainstream person cannot possible fathom. Everyone’s experiences are unique to them, but my experiences echo the description you gave of yours.

    I’m here to say, “I hear you,” and validate your feelings and experiences. As you know, I’m also “out” about my DID and the atrocities I survived. I want to help educate people; people like us who are “many” instead of “one” are not the crazed, dangerous people that TV and movies would lead one to expect. Instead, we are usually highly intelligent and creative – and those qualities allowed us to sub-divide and isolate the atrocities so we could continue to function.

    I agree wholeheartedly with your comments about how a more healthy and rewarding life are possible. I’m doing really intense work in therapy, and I am utilizing good pharmacology as appropriately (for now), but I am grateful not to be in a doped-up haze. We’re just keeping the anxiety and flashbacks (the “monsters”) at arms-length while we process the experiences and feelings. I have finally begun the most challenging emotional work of my life – and it’s taken me over 40 years to get here. I sense my core warming, melting the ice of denial and repression. It’s not always easy, but it IS worth it.

    Know that I support you in every way I can. You are in my thoughts at least briefly most days – I sense a kindred spirit within you. Know that I care deeply about how you’re doing. Feel free to reach out via DM any time. If I don’t get back to you right away, it’s because my laptop is dying, and I usually access full-featured Twitter on my partner’s laptop a couple times each day. My smart phone gives me access, but it’s not as robust in its functionality as a full-fledged PC.

    (((Gentle hugs always)))

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 1, 2010 at 6:52 am

      Yah him, thanks. I’m getting trounced on pretty heavily here. There are just some things….where it does make a difference what happened. I think ppl who say otherwise and who don’t understand are fortunate and I envy them, right? Being Out is so important and it seems I’m being told that one day I’ll be “healthy” enough to not care about moving our presence forward to get us more help.

      Sigh. I have no words left. One gets it or one doesn’t. Thanks for your support hon

  14. Sarah Olson said,

    August 31, 2010 at 9:41 pm

    I am posting the heart of what WP garbled in my last comment.

    * * * * *

    You said: I think I hear you telling me that over time I will lose this drive to tell my story and have it be the worst one at the campfire.

    Nooooo, that is not at all what I meant to convey, my apologies if I came off that way. I consider a survivor’s story to be sacred. It was, for me, the only thing that nobody could ever take away from me.

    Having said that, a goal of trauma therapy IMO is to guide you to a place where you are not a big ball of trauma 24/7, where you aren’t vulnerable to random shocks and triggers. A place where what happened becomes a report, as opposed to something that still even in peripheral ways has power over you. A place where you are both empowered and unharmed in the telling.

    When you get to that place, I believe your need to “be the worst one at the campfire” will fade.

    That you know your story by heart, and are seemingly unshockable about it isn’t the point. It’s the things that blindside you — we all have them — that leave you vulnerable. Building a store of resiliency and trust in the process takes time.

    Take good care of you,

    Sarah

  15. Splinteredones said,

    September 1, 2010 at 7:20 am

    Arrrrggggghhhh. I don’t know what else to say, hon. Other than that perhaps I’m more evolved than you think I am. That maybe you are displacing grassroots advocacy for immaturity in my process? I can’t go on chasing this tail for a second day. I know my beliefs are unpopular but this doesn’t mean I don’t understand you because we disagree. Mucho mucho*crap, what’s the Spanish word for love? Crap* hugs and gratitude hon, but u know that.

  16. September 1, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    I have been reading all of the comments on this topic. I commend you Splinty for breaking the silence of abuse. I have done the same with my blog about my experiences with incest. Breaking the silence and continuing to talk about our abuse in order to educate others does not mean that either of us is stuck in the past as some people would like you to believe. My comment is not being directed at anyone here. That has been my experience.

    Sometimes people who want me to look at whether I am stuck in the past are doing so because, out of the kindness of their hearts, they are trying to help. I always look inside to see if there is any validation for me of what they are suggesting. Usually, for me, that isn’t true.

    Some people who tell me I am staying stuck in my past are uncomfortable with my exploration of the past. Why? Because they have unresolved issues of their own that they don’t want to look at. I won’t keep silent because someone else is having problems with their own issues or because they want to stay in denial. I spent too many years in the pain of denial to go back there.

    I have spent over 20 years working on my incest issues and doing my best to be brutally honest with myself. Sometimes I am successful with the honesty and sometimes I am not. Sometimes it takes a close friend to show me the difference. Sometimes the information is more true about the person who gave it to me than it is for me. It is always easy to know which. Nobody ever told me that recovery from abuse was going to be easy. It isn’t.

    I have learned to look at what makes me angry and why it makes me angry. I have also learned that sometimes I just need to rant to let my anger out where it doesn’t hurt me any longer. That is how I see Splinty’s article here, as a healthy outlet for her anger at the abusers of the world and at those people who try to minimize what we, as victims of abuse, have survived.

    Believe me when I say that there are many people who want to minimize what we experienced and what we felt as children so that they can go on pretending that the world is a safe place. I am glad for anyone who grew up in a safe world. I didn’t. I won’t be blind to my unsafe world so that you can stay in your safe world. I thank you Splinty for having the courage to get angry and to express it. Anyone who can’t support your opinions and feelings on your blog has the right to go somewhere else where they feel safe and protected. This has been a healthy discussion even through there have been differences of opinion.

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 1, 2010 at 2:36 pm

      Yep, that’s pretty much it. Thank you, I’ve been questioning my motives all day. So appreciate the validation. Namaste

  17. Susan said,

    September 1, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    Well, this thread certainly took off:)

    I think for me splint is that I think I wasn’t clear on the purpose of your post. I took your initial post to mean that you upset with the idea behind the programs you’d mentioned. So my comment was intended to offer encouragement that yes – that sucks and no-we don’t have to stay there.

    In light of my new understanding that this post is about being a voice for those who have not been heard…….I applaud you for speaking up and support your efforts to not be silent about this stuff any longer.

    Rock on, my friend:)

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 1, 2010 at 3:27 pm

      Yah I let the teenagers write it initially. They think everyone knows what they mean. Sorry they were quite unclear & thought they could handle it. Obviously not. Namaste bud

  18. mentallygoingbackwards said,

    September 7, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Hey, i was abused as a child too by 2 separate people, one being a family member and one being someone close to the family. I suppose i kind of know how you feel. you are not alone! x

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 7, 2010 at 9:26 am

      Thank you. That’s very kind!

  19. Trish Austin said,

    September 8, 2010 at 4:26 am

    I see your point 100%. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t abused in ways I can’t even imagine. I was neglected, but BIG difference. And you have such patience. This thread is so long/I don’t understand why it’s difficult for readers to get what your saying. You’re speaking out. If people remain invisible, how can we know they’re here or where they are etc.. I suffered from Trich. for most of my life. A lot of people find it very difficult to publicly admit it. I admit it openly. How, can therapists ever know how to treat a disease if we remain silent.

    I’m not saying my experiences with Trich is on any level of the abuse you are speaking. My heart goes out to you and everyone who as children were abused in ways that make me want to strangle the abusers who should’ve been better. You deserved better.

    *hugs* *hugs*


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