Sick of it

I am so fucking sick of being invaded upon. Whenever I bump into someone else’s “needs” or “styles” that refuse to take me into account in any way I have to go thru tons of shit and tons of effort just to get the Voices put away. The wrong ones come out and I’m thrown into a tailspin sometimes for days. Or weeks.

I am a human being. We deserve to be treated as such. We deserve to not be subjected to fly-by abuse.

This is gonna fuck me up for days now. Thanks.

I am tiptoeing into the world with no boundaries I can voice. I’m getting a sense of what they are, like don’t shot on me, whether that’s your need or not. I have been literally shit on so I know it when I see it. But I can’t voice these things because I don’t know how to.

My life would have to matter to me. I would have to be valuable. I would have to have control over my life–not the perps. I would have to think of myself in very different ways than I do today. I’m working on all of this, yes. But I am stuck between worlds and it is just too fucking dangerous for me to be in it much.

I deserve to be treated well. I do not deserve to be sitting here in my car, crying my eyes our, nose filled with the smell of human shit.

No one has done anything dramatic to me. But enough to walk smack into this goddamn trigger. I guess if nobody has ever pissed or shot on you without your consent you can’t really get this place. If u plan to comment to tell me u understand what this is like for me–don’t bother you’ll only make it worse.

I will get past this place eventually. I will realize that I can dig myself out and I will. But until then my life is shit.

Thanks.

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7 Comments

  1. September 13, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Dear one, I wish I could be there to fix you a nice cup of tea, give you a very soft stuffed animal, and maybe a plate of cookies. Nothing can make up for what you’ve been through; that’s quite obvious. And you’re right – unless we’ve been through the experiences you have, we can’t possibly understand what you’re feeling right now.

    Just know that you’re in my thoughts, and that I deeply care how you’re doing. I honor your process, as I believe each person is their own best expert on their mind, heart and soul. You know what you need, and right now that means a strategic withdrawal so you can recover. I support you in whatever you need to do, hun.

    Jo

  2. Melissa said,

    September 13, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    So sorry that you’re having a hard time Splint. I really relate to the pain of being in the transitiony bit-knowing where you’re going but not quite there yet. Sending a huge huge hug. Issa xx

  3. Tiger said,

    September 13, 2010 at 3:06 pm

    Many hugs, much love. Hope you’re doing okay.

  4. Pandora said,

    September 13, 2010 at 4:06 pm

    Just to echo the above comments. Thinking of you and sending love and hugs, for what they are worth.

    I deserve to be treated well.

    Yes, you do. Obviously I can’t guarantee that you will be, though God knows I would if I could. But I just thought that perhaps it was worth someone else agreeing that you do, you really do, deserve to be treated well.

    Be safe honey.

    xxx

  5. I'm DID & so am I said,

    September 13, 2010 at 8:10 pm

    Sorry you’re feeling this way. My opinion on this is most people do not have an inkling of what mental illness does to us, at the very least, how debilitating DID can be at times. They want everying to be ME, ME, ME. The world evolves around them. With that being said. We must learn to say no. Although I’m as guitly as the next, I can’t say no. I put my needs aside, all the time. I don’t ,matter.

    You are valuable.

    jo

  6. me said,

    September 14, 2010 at 1:00 am

    I’m thinking of taking martial arts classes, for those times when I just can’t cope with injustice and rage and grief. Heh.

    Ah fuckit splint…fuck what happened to you. Its shit. Worse.

  7. September 14, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    Thanks all for your loveliness.


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