Monkeys are language fluent

Soo….been out of it for a few days there. It’s always great coming back because it happens almost as quickly as falling down does. But it’s a bitch trying to piece together what kind of damage I’ve done and to whom (including myself). Looks like this time we went private in our communications, which helped some. At least we didn’t do any physical damage or anything either.

Being out of it is such a hard place to be. I had been getting pretty good at recognizing the Slide and not putting my thoughts in it. But the totally innocuous thing that sent me off to triggerville this time came out of the blue. And I was off to the races almost immediately.

I am very very good at faking where I am. We have worked very hard over the years to “mask” ourselves. So the bad guys know exactly how to sound like me. Which can be very confusing. But it’s their job to protect me as they punish, lasts longer. Sheesh.

When I can see something coming it usually means there’s no surprise attached. That’s what I lose my grip on, any kind of surprised perception that I am not being valued cared for betrayed. It’s obvious why this is. It’s what I grew up in, betrayal. Abandonment. Blah blah I can describe it ’til I’m blue in the face but my CSA survivor friends know all about it.

All I know to do when I feel my tiny little budlets of boundaries being stepped on is to throw up big heavy walls that nobody can penetrate. Safety first. Flight first. Unfortunately I can’t get thru them either, which is inconvenient to say the least. Autopilot clicks on and they’re off. I am completely unreachable.

This time was a teeny bit different though because somebody inside was saying this will pass, this will go away. Just because you’re furious and frightened out of your wits, unless somebody does something, or you do something, it’s just thought and emotion. Don’t take any action and you’ll get out of it more quickly. This is new; they typically haven’t ever let that happen. They block out any thought that they’re even running the show. But I’m somehow getting the point that I am only triggered and I just have to hole up for awhile and I’ll come back. How that message is now coming thru I have no idea. None.

So, progress I suppose. It would be nice to be able to learn these things thru other means than practical experience but is what is. It’s moving forward I think and I think that’s a good thing.

It gets so, so confusing getting better. Such risks on a daily basis that I’ve frankly never taken before. Excellent fodder for the Bad Guys when they come screaming into my head like a thousand screaming howler monkeys.

I was watching National Geographic channel the other night and this fact came thru: small monkeys who live in rainforests, capuchins and the like, are able to understand specific warnings that other species’ of monkey scream out. So our little capuchin understands some dozen or so different monkey languages.

Maybe that’s just what I am learning to do. Interpret correctly the various screaming voices in my brain and evaluate them. This would be a very good turn of events I think. To be able to sort out who is saying what so I can internally put them away or otherwise deal with them. Speed up my recovery quite abit I think.

I’m tired. And I have therapy today, not sure how to explain what’s been going on. Just open mouth I suppose.



  1. September 15, 2010 at 11:23 am

    (((Hugs))) to you and your new voice of awareness. Awareness is the key to beginning to heal. Awareness changes everything. This new, little voice will grow in strength as you acknowledge it. That is truly a step in the right direction. Congratulations.

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 15, 2010 at 1:44 pm

      Wow really? Just feels like failure to me. Thanks 😉

  2. Karita said,

    September 15, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Good to read, Splinty. Very good. I recognised you’d gone someplace. Especially when you refered to yourself as “she” in a DM to me. 😉 But even while you were away and others had come out, you were still supportive to me. You’re so lovely, whatever you may think of yourself. Love ya, sweetie. To read about your progress fills me with hope. *Biiiiiiiiiiiiiig hugs*

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 15, 2010 at 1:11 pm

      Yikes really? Sorry. Hope ur feeling better honey. x

      • Karita said,

        September 15, 2010 at 1:20 pm

        There’s no need to be sorry. I don’t mind how you communicate.

  3. Splinteredones said,

    September 15, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Thanks hon. It comes and goes. Frustrating

  4. Ravin said,

    September 15, 2010 at 3:54 pm

    Hey Gal!

    What a great step forward out of the confusion and scary howling monkeys. It’s always cool to find communication, even if it seems small.

    Those who were up front were well within the boundaries of who you are, even if they were protecting you. Protecting you is what counts, as time and communication gets better they can also learn with you when life is triggering the old or there is real clear danger in the present. From out here all was cool you didn’t do anything that torched your relationships out here.

    Just wanted you to know what it looked like out here, didn’t see a “jackass” at all!


    • Splinteredones said,

      September 15, 2010 at 8:14 pm

      Good, thanks hon

  5. September 16, 2010 at 12:07 am

    I can relate to what you said: “I am only triggered and I just have to hole up for awhile and I’ll come back.” I call it “hunkering down for a while.” I often sleep during this time. Sometimes I drink some wine, which probably isn’t the best thing as I am “using alcohol.”

    I also have a part named Serena who just shuts everything down for a while. That way, at least, there is no self-injury, running away in a dissociative fugue, or anything like that.

    I also have parts that I used to call “punishers” and it took quite a while to figure out that they were, indeed, actually trying to protect. I’m working with one right now who is not only quite identified with the perpetrator who was my father, but says he was actually “created” by him. Whew! Therapy session tomorrow is going to be a whopper!

    Hope your own T went well today and you get some rest.

  6. Splinteredones said,

    September 16, 2010 at 6:19 am

    Thanks hon and welcome! Figuring out that mr internalized punishers were only trying to be protective was/remains a major Hot Mess doesn’t it? Sounds like ur on a hot streak right now in the fall of the dominoes. Good luck w/T 😉

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