Fear of Dying

So I’m in therapy yesterday, talking about whatever, and a lightningbolt hits me. I stopped talking to figure out what this flash really was about. Staring at C’s air conditioner until she calls me back. I hold up my hand she says wow are u thinking about something again or did u just totally shut me put?

No, this just came to me. I say when little kids have their lives physically threatened, they think they’re gonna die any second a few times…..yes???…..they stop making an investment in their life. C says any kids in particular???? Hahaha well me. I stopped investing any part of me in my own life. That’s why when u say u want me to appreciate my power, my strength, I don’t really appreciate what u say. Because I have no real properties. I just stopped when I realized that being alive or dead wasn’t at all up to me.

C says wow. You don’t get the power in those words? No. Why I have no boundaries, ya know?

C looks at me for a few seconds. Says I totally see that but ya know what? Write that in your phone, we wanna leave that alone for now. I say isn’t that kinda important to understand? She says yep absolutely. But you’re getting way ahead of urself. Am I? Yep. Bits and pieces for now.

So I can’t think about this but it makes absolute sense to me. CLICK!

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3 Comments

  1. Susan said,

    September 16, 2010 at 5:53 pm

    Splint – what you described in this post sounds like what in my own trauma work I came to identify as that “locus of control-shift” and what I call “locus of control shift-back” when I learned to identify this and take back my power.

    When our power was taken from us/me/a child – we are not able to do normal developmental work. We don’t develop and “intrinsic” sense of “locus of control”.

    In Colin Ross’ work (Trauma Model: A solution to co morbidity in psychiatry) he describes how we become externally motivated and validated in trauma.

    There is nothing we can do “good enough” “right enough”. Our power is stripped from us. We learn to believe that we are powerless over our own lives and we come to believe that what we do is “making” others do what they do aka a false sense of powerlessness over ourselves and a false sense of power others.

    And – most therapists are not trained to help us overcome this needy dependence on others validation or help us learn to become “intrinsically” motivated; I was fortunate to have stumbled into this therapist when I was ready to do this kind of work. This is part of that “trauma informed” type of model that is just now starting to be integrated into therapy I think.

    Does any of this sound like it might make any sense for you?

  2. Splinteredones said,

    September 17, 2010 at 6:20 am

    Yah. Similar enough anyway. Letting it rest for now but we’ll see how it goes when it’s time comes 😉

  3. Susan said,

    September 17, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Sure enough:) I”m always amazed at how when the healing begins it looks so similar for so many from such a variety of backgrounds.


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