“You’re Healing”

So I go in to see C, wondering how to describe what happened to me this past week. I talked for a few minutes, setting up the innocuous events that led to my going away.

After three or four minutes, during which C is listening to me intently, she says so you’ve had a traumatic event but you got over it in what, a couple of days? Congratulations that is great. See, your healing is showing. You’re healing.

Ergh. Avoid eye contact just sit there spacing out. Wow are you away someplace right now. Am I? Yes you are. I want to keep talking about this says C. Why is it so difficult for you to accept that you are getting better by leaps and bounds?

Well, for one it doesn’t feel like that just now. Just now all I feel is guilty.

C stares at me. Ok I’m going to stick with this for now anyway. Look at me. Look at me. Ok stay with me now. What bugs you about the idea that you’re healing? I don’t know sorry not good enough.

Well, it’s scary, makes me feel so vulnerable because I feel that while I’m
Busy being present and making new neuro-pathways I am defenseless.

You are not defenseless says C. Far from it. You were, yes very true. But you have enormous power as an adult woman in this society. So what is it?

I’m scared because it’s just so much responsibility. Ah HAH I knew it says C. Healing doesn’t mean you have to be Superwoman. She says if there was a Superwoman I’d follow her around like a dog. The line of dykes lining up for her would stretch across the country.

Hahahahaha I love it when you crack me up I say. I would be her Yoko Ono. Hahahahaha.

Anyway says C. All this work you’ve done over all these years, it’s paying off bigtime for you.

C says healing is about understanding what you want and don’t want and asserting those things in your life. It means that if something is too much you can let it go or communicate about it. It’s real power.

I have lived my entire life fending off what comes flying at me, hoping that whatever the next thing is it won’t be too horrific. So you’re saying it’s about making decisions, making choices? C says exactly yes. She says the more you trust your power and your healing the less time you’ll have to spend in triggerville.

It’s in trusting yourself. Look at me no look into my eyes. Silence silence. It’s about trusting yourself. Trusting your healing.

So I say so life and presence it’s a proactive thing as opposed to a reactive way of seeing the world? C looks, says yes yes that’s a good way to put it.

Silence for a moment. C says are you working on something or are you gone? No it’s just…when do I stop being a victim? C looks rather stunned. You are really wise for somebody who has just gotten thru a traumatic event. Silence. I say yeah well I’m so sick of it how do I make that transformation?

C says you’re doing it right now. Rebuilding those neural pathways. In bits and pieces. Not big stuff like this past weekend exactly but hey you got thru and you learned some important things. Right? No major damage except for that scratch over your eyebrow…did u hurt urself or anyone else? Nope. Did you get blasted or take a bunch of your drugs or go get hash or anything like that? Nope. How did u get that cut? Menopause zit aha chit-chat about hormones etc for abit.

Silence for abit. It’s so sad, the crap that happened to me, y’know? I am just so sad. C says I know. Hahaha yes I suppose you do. Why am I so sad? Because you are letting alot of shit go and there’s sadness to it.

So. I piece together three major points in that hour. C tells me to write them down but don’t think about them, I just don’t want them to be lost. I say shouldn’t I try to look into them, see how they make me tick? C says no. We’ve done enough hard work today I don’t want that to be diminished. You’re getting ahead of yourself we’ll pick them up when it’s time.

For now, think about trusting yourself. Think about healing and how freeing, how proactive. Just let that one rattle around in your head.

The biggest difference for me between C and all the others who came before her is that I believe that she is really listening to me. I believe that when she says something it’s what she honestly believes–not what she thinks I should hear. This lack of manipulation allows me to trust her and to value what she says to me. It makes me responsible and truly in charge. With help from her, not by making me lean on her. She shoots straight from the hip so I can hear her without having to decide whether she is full of shit or not. She is real.

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8 Comments

  1. Susan said,

    September 16, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    Wow, Splint. In your last paragraph you said a mouthful. And ditto. Until I got with someone who was real with me it was just BS.

    This “With help from her, not by making me lean on her.” is what therapy is supposed to look like.

    This is a great post with tons of insight and I don’t want to distract from that with a huge comment.

    Just rock on, my friend. I’m with you and I so get what you are describing here.

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 16, 2010 at 1:52 pm

      Thanks hon. I did really get lucky.

  2. September 16, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Outstanding post, hun! As is often the case, I found myself nodding along as I read what you had to say. I’ve had similar epiphanies, and the resulting transformation in my way of thinking and acting has been powerful indeed.

    Like you, I am fortunate to have a care-provider (psychologist, in my case) who really knows her shit, and who actually listens to what I’m saying, and who remembers threads of a conversation over time. When she has something to say, her insight is usually cause for me to take a moment, pause, and really think about it.

    You are phenomenally strong, as are all of us who survived assorted atrocities. And, I know from experience that it sometimes it doesn’t ~feel~ like we’re strong. Sometimes the metaphor that comes to mind is soft velvet draped over a titanium rod. At a glance, it doesn’t look all that substantial, but the core is tougher than anything we can imagine.

    I am here, applauding and supporting you. You are doing amazing work, and I am so very grateful to witness this powerful process of transformation!

  3. Splinteredones said,

    September 16, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Ah that’s sweet hon. It’s like night and day. Who that person is just makes all the difference. I think I saw a couple of people who were disastrous for me. But they all got me here so need to recognize the journey. x

  4. I'm DID & so am I said,

    September 16, 2010 at 2:45 pm

    That was a wonderful post and insightful. Wouldn’t it be great if we could always have those leaps and bounds?

    When you mentioned the lack of eye contact while spacing out, I’ve never, ever had any eye contact with my Psychiatrist or Psychologist. Never. More than ten years. It bothers me that I can’t.

    Tomorrow I’ll be seeing my Psychologist, not looking forward to it, but Monday’s in the past and hopefully we can move on. (well, it’s nice to dream.)

    jo

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 16, 2010 at 4:07 pm

      I almost always find that the times I most dread turn out to be thebest. As far as the eye contact thing goes, give it a shot. Wear sunglasses and see how it goes. 😉

  5. Sarah Olson said,

    September 16, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    You really are amazing. 😀 As Susan said, that’s what good therapy looks like, and feels like. And she’s getting you to pace yourself. So very important.

    I’m so happy for your progress! The insights just keep coming.

    Sarah

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 17, 2010 at 6:15 am

      Thank you yeah it’s pretty incredible. I always forget that once one goes all the way into a black hole and reaches it’s singularity it gets ejected in a huge, huge blast of energy. 26% of all the energy emitted by it’s galaxy. So that’s why the pieces come together. Well, makes sense to me…


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