I Am Being Normal

So. I got in a little fender bender this weekend. Totally not my fault and there’s photo proof of that so it’ll all wash out for me eventually.

At the time the husband of the student-driver idiot driver was all up in my face, screaming at me. Words this is all your fault not ours your fault. You lie you lie etc. I flipped. I actually had a hallucination of my primary perpetrator’s head and voice screeching at me. Had to get out of there as soon as I could. I was out of my mind.

Driving home, hysterical. My life is so frustrating was all I could say. And no I don’t wanna talk about it to wifey just leave me alone. Got home somehow, went to bedroom curled up in a fetal position sobbing hysterically just leave me alone.

About two hours after the accident wifey came in come on now talk. Eventually got put that this was the last straw, that I’m getting so much better, trying to make it ok to need things, what I want etc etc and it made things worse I was in more pain than when just out of it.

This ended up being a really great talk in the end. We were more open with one another than in the past decade. I used a lesson in miscommunication with a great friend and unreasonable response on my part to really listen, to actually be AVAILABLE to my partner so she could talk. Amazing. Snapped out of a trigger so bad it had me hallucinating within 2 hours. Incredible.

So it’s a few days later now and I’m just dealing with the hassle of getting the jackass’s insurance to pay the thousand bucks they will have to eventually anyway. Got an accident report done, which took 2 trips to the station b/c yesterday a cop lied to me to get out of some paperwork as he sat on his big ass. Had to call the desk sergeant this morning but got it done.

Then I put it away for awhile. So as to not get roped in by gross emotions again. Got a referral for a body shop from my mechanic and a better one from my dealer. Went home ate something. Checked in with myself and after meditating got in the car to the preferred body shop that works primarily on Subarus. Yes, I’m now a car snob.

Got my estimate, guy turned me over to their insurance coordinator. She got on with said jackass’s insurance company and I filed a claim w/her help.

Came home very proud of myself. Am I dine for the day? Yes. Is it all put away for the day? Yes.

I am being functional, I’m doing my coping stuff and it is totally working. I am proving to my wife how much better I am.

I am acting like a normal person. Last week in therapy C really hammered away at the concept of me learning to trust my healing. I guess this must be what the woman meant.

And y’know what? I feel great. I never have thought of myself as Normal because I am not. How could I be with my childhood?

But here I am, functioning. Maybe I have to pace myself some, focus on one thing at a time. But I am doing this Living thing.

Normal? Who knew?

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10 Comments

  1. Tracey said,

    September 21, 2010 at 4:21 pm

    You should be very proud of yourself. Keep moving forward my friend.

    • September 21, 2010 at 4:38 pm

      Thanks honey. Kinda feel like I’m in Denver, altitude challenged ;). Just–one at a time.

  2. September 21, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    I like functioning better than normal. Healthy is better than normal too. Normal was the abuse that we grew up with. Normal is no longer enough for me. I want better than normal. Congratulations on seeing your growth.

    • September 21, 2010 at 6:01 pm

      I see. For me “normal” is a word to describe non-traumatized people I guess. To be functional beyond all the shit that happened to me to be able to be just like “them”? Cool

  3. Susan said,

    September 21, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Great post Splint:) I’m with Patricia – normal for me was not anything I want to go back to…I like the way you used “functional”.

    Good to hear the good report today!

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 21, 2010 at 7:58 pm

      Yah, funny how key vocabulary can be, hey? Thanks 😉

  4. Melissa said,

    September 22, 2010 at 12:47 am

    This is great! Not the car hassle but the healing and talking and proving that you can cope just fine. It’s hard to change long standing messages or patterns- but you continue inspiring me. Hope it’s sorted soon. xx

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 22, 2010 at 6:12 am

      Aww thank you honey. Is what is.

  5. Karita said,

    September 23, 2010 at 6:24 am

    Fab. 😀

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 23, 2010 at 6:32 am

      Thanks honey told C about this, she burst out laughing. Tells me I am on a right track somewhere ;).


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