Useless Then?

So I was standing up last night, ready to go to bed. Kissed wife then a bullet shot thru my head. I am so threatened by her mostly-asexual thing because I believe that I am of no use if I’m not sexually attractive. In other words if my partner isn’t dying to do it with me, well mostly have me do her, then I am of no value.

Holy fuck. I did not see this one coming. It’s sooo characteristic of CSA survivors and I have always thought well at least I don’t have THAT one.

But here it is. How fantastically unflattering. Shit.

I am a little bit shaken by this revelation. In the past I would have dug in and gotten all caught up in what-does-this-mean-then. Fallen down the Black Pit and be in abject horror for days and days.

But y’know what? This is too big a piece for me to handle in that obsessive manner. So I’ve described it as succinctly as I can in my phone and it’s packed away until I see C next week. She’ll help put it into manageable bits.

I am choosing this new pathway. I have the power thru entrusting in my healing process. In trusting myself.

Altho’ I really don’t paint until mid-October b/c in heat and humidity oilpaint never dries, today I’m going to start a new one. Nothing special just a still life. Sunflowers perhaps it will tell me what it wants to do (the canvas I mean). When painting I go into this magical bliss thing. And right now that is what I need. I need to immerse myself in my creative side.

Making this choice is something I would not have been able to do 6 months ago. But I can do so now and I am picking happy.

#scaryasshit. And so empowering at the same time. C promised me that my life would be getting boring coming up here soon. This is not boring. It’s growth and learning and choosing to live my life and it is grand.

But I am getting tired ;).

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6 Comments

  1. Susan said,

    September 24, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Oh geez Splint…been there and done that….I remember as a kid that when the men stopped playing with me or refused my flirtations I wondered what I had done wrong. And like you this followed me into my adult relationships where if someone wasn’t paying attention to me or looked at me crooked, I wondered what I’d done “wrong” to “make” them act that way. The thought never occurred to me that they might have their own issues and maybe an ingrown toenail…or that my needy behavior was intolerable to some folks who just didn’t want to be around it.

    Seeing ourselves as separate from others and the world around us is a big deal….and can be some #scaryasshit work. It is also the growth and what makes living life so much more fun and less stressful today.

    Enjoy the painting while this sinks in…I’m thrilled to hear of this insight you’ve found. šŸ™‚

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 24, 2010 at 12:45 pm

      Thanks hon. I’m glad somebody’s thrilled. I just feel really really disgusting.

  2. September 24, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    Wow, sweetie! Quite an insight, and your response to it is very healthy. Choosing to deal with the layers of complexities when you have the benefit of C’s perspective is a great idea – I applaud you.

    As for the creative work, I am always supportive of funneling one’s energy in that direction. It’s amazing how healing creative work can be. At the very minimum, being creative means being present in the “now,” and letting the process flow. I’m sure your sunflower painting will be lovely, and I bet you’ll feel better at the end of the day having pursued that activity over some ~other~ choices you might have made six months or more ago. šŸ™‚

    You and your painting will be in my thoughts today.

    Hugs,

    Jo

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 24, 2010 at 1:36 pm

      It’s sneaking in. Unfortunately I have need of new brushes and a bunch of paint, so off to the art supply place this weekend. Getting a concept in my head of what it’ll look like tho’. Piano

  3. Ravin said,

    September 24, 2010 at 5:40 pm

    Gal!

    This is real progress! Go you! Lots to be proud of yourselves for!

    Ravin

    • Splinteredones said,

      September 25, 2010 at 7:14 am

      Wow, so doesn’t feel like it. Youknow those FUBAR moments…Bleurgh. Still resolving to keep away from it as much as I can tho’.


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