My Mom

I was reminded very vividly this morning about my mother and it seems it’s going to be my struggle for today. I know that I don’t have to spin myself into a rage thing, that I can just put it away until I see C in a few days.

But it is going to take some serious work. And that’s okay, it will only make me stronger.

I detest my mother and I am not really sure why in any complete way. She is just a series of still frames in my mind. The emotional damage she laid on me is way too big a piece for me to deal with in a coherent timeline. She was very cruel to me but I don’t believe it was premeditated in any way.

What I believe is that my mother was abused as a child in some way and it left her completely void on the inside. She never wanted children, she was very clear that I had stolen any meaning from her life by my existence.
When she would run away to the solace of Her Room for days there was no going in there. The hose could be burning down around me and there was no. Bugging. Mom.

My mother needed to live thru me because she was so afraid of her own guts. I was a very bright kid and she decided very early on that there was to be no Playing for me. Just work. No music no crayons no nada.

Okay, I have written enough, I have to let this go for now. There is such anger and resentment inside me when I think of her and I want to be focused on more positive things. The bitch is dead and I am free. I can choose to put this all away for now. I am a 50-year old woman who can let this work come in baby steps.

Otherwise I will sink like the freaking Titanic.

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8 Comments

  1. Ravin said,

    October 4, 2010 at 7:52 am

    Hey Gal!

    You’re ability to live and love is yours! Kudos to you for not letting her take it away.
    It’s okay for it to be ALL ABOUT YOU!

    Compassionate hugs. 🙂

    Ravin

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 4, 2010 at 8:16 am

      Thanks hon. The more I do this the easier it gets. ,).

  2. October 4, 2010 at 8:05 am

    Did you ever hit a sensitive chord.

    I loathe my mother (who is still alive) and have no relationship with her.

    My brother, sister and I were all physically (through punching/beating/pulling hair) abused our entire life, we were also verbally abused. She used to refer to us as the “three living abortions”…’nuff said…..

    I tried many times in my adult life to have a “relationship” with her because she is my “mother”….it took a looong time to realize the relationship was toxic….she can no longer beat us but she still tried to “beat” me with words. I cannot have that in my life.

    My heart goes out to you.

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 4, 2010 at 8:26 am

      Ah, I am so sorry I hit a chord hon. Sounds like we had similar circumstance in this regard.

      You are absolutely right however. You can choose to remove that toxicity from your life by minimizing contact w/her. When you do have to deal with it you can think first about having clear boundaries. She starts the abuse? You have the power to tell her to stop and you can leave. I promise. Thank you.

      • October 4, 2010 at 8:28 am

        you are correct! But….I do not (and will not) deal with her in any way, shape or form. I have tried and it is over……trust me…the feeling is mutual. I KNOW you understand! (sadly) xoxo

      • Splinteredones said,

        October 4, 2010 at 8:44 am

        Atta girl! Toxic is toxic. I admire ur strength

  3. IAmEchad said,

    October 5, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    What a terrific skill you’re developing of being able to set things aside to deal with later with C. It’s also so cool to see you’re enjoying music and art knowing now it was deprived as a child. You’re claiming another expression of life. Yay for you!

  4. Susan said,

    October 6, 2010 at 7:38 am

    Ah Splint – thank you for sharing your experiences and your learnings in how to put these things back on the shelf. Your strength and wisdom rocks my world!


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