My Genital Mutilation

So when I was a kid one of the things that I survived through was genital mutilation. Very painful very bloody. Not exactly castration but similar. I had always thought it was a permanent thing, this constant pain that I just blocked from my mind and split away from my body. It got fixed about a year ago and that’s really a cool thing.

So last night I’m watching a documentary on the National Geographic channel called I believe Inside Koran. It discussed guess what the Koran and how it can be sliced and diced to justify just about any human behavior good bad or indifferent. Fascinating. It was in the middle of processing just what the Koran says about the relationship between the sexes, the marriage contract, women’s rights.

From out of nowhere there’s a picture of a little girl half-laying down, a view from the top of her head. “She’s cutting me she’s cutting me owwwwwww it hurts it hurts it hurts”. You guessed it. There in front of me is a little girl who is undergoing genital mutilation. I don’t know much about kids she was maybe 5 years old or so.

It was over in a few seconds. As soon as I registered it I started screaming. Wifey in another room is saying change the channel, sounds like she’s speaking in another language. But somehow I get to the remote and get it onto something else.

When it first happened I didn’t know what to do. I was vomiting and was feeling that physical pain again.

Here comes the good part. Somewhere deep inside me as I’m throwing up is saying You Can Choose dear. You can decide to attach to this mess of shit or not. You can just let it go and all the pain will vanish. Just fix it in your head and send it packing. You can bring it back to talk with C about it, but this is just another trigger, just let it go.

And so I did. I have something of a hangover today, like shadows are tapping at my brain, and I fear the memories will come flashing through. But I have the feeling that I can just keep it up, just keep pushing them away as they appear, and I will be fine. At least until I see C tomorrow at any rate.

You can use your life to gain strength. You can choose. It takes pain and practice and depression and tears and fright. But isn’t that how you’re living at least in part now? So. Today, choose. Let it go.

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6 Comments

  1. October 5, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Oh, sweetie, I am so very sorry that you had a trigger this ugly and powerful sneak up on you, like an emotional ninja creeping around in the shadows. I can’t possibly imagine the horror and the pain of the original event, nor the trauma of seeing it played out again with another young girl.

    Please know that we are here, sending supportive thoughts, hugs, and a nice cup of tea (perhaps with a plate of cookies?). You are a brave, strong, intelligent and creative person – and I have no doubt those attributes will get you through this latest challenge. You’ll be seeing C soon – between now and then, it may be helpful to focus on your breathing (deep and slow) when things get particularly challenging.

    Jo and the rest of the Tribe of Dragonheart

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 5, 2010 at 1:23 pm

      Thank you dearheart. I’ve managed to have quite a lovely day. Client picked up wifey from hospital (cortisone shot in her back) went to a gave place for lunch and ate outside, now home. Gets abit tricky from here, it’s exhausting to keep kicking voices out of your head.

      I really don’t think about this little slice of my kidhood. It’s fixed now and that is a grand thing. Is what is, y’know? Just is what is. Hug city 😉

  2. Ravin said,

    October 5, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Hey Gal sending you strength and calm. Know how hard it is to live around the triggered memories, to push them back until there is help to deal.

    You are doing such a great job, proud of yah. Ravin

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 5, 2010 at 3:57 pm

      Aw, thanks hon. Time…hmmmm….well I guess that means tomorrow will be another day? This hanging on thing–it’s hard. But beats being locked up in the nutwRd. Thanks–

  3. IAmEchad said,

    October 5, 2010 at 6:10 pm

    Splinty,
    I’m so so sorry that was done to you. I’m glad you were able to get some surgical repair.

    You are such a brave person to share such a personal thing with us. You’re attitude is impressive, at least to me. I’ve really been struggling to hold on this week & your strength gives me encouragement that it will all be ok & to hang in there.

    I’m glad you get tm see C tommorrow. She seems like a phenominal woman. I’m glad she’s there to help you heal

    we’re rooting for you

  4. Susan said,

    October 6, 2010 at 7:33 am

    What a hero you are Splint in so many ways. Your story of survival and your story of victory. I’m terribly sorry and angry at this having been done to you – and grateful that you have found that you can make peace with this. Be blessed my friend. Susan


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