How Can U Possibly Understand


Sometimes things happen to children that are just too much to understand. Things can happen that one wouldn’t come up with of they had a hundred years to imagine horrific treatment.

Imagine you are about 4 years old and you clit was sliced and stuck with an xacto knife. And somebody tried to rake off your clitoral hood but they couldn’t figure out how go do it so they stopped halfway, spit on you, and left you bleeding and alone in the dark.

If you toss this around in your head for a year you still won’t come close to how painful it is physically. How much blood is down there. How confusing it is. And you will never, ever be able to envision how much psychological pain you are left with 45 years later.

And there’s the gap. You will never, never be able to come close to understanding what it’s like. You might be able to diagnose me, tell me in various psychtalk phrasing to get over it. You may give me pills to make the blocking out easier to do.

You might say well but others may have had not that exactly but similar horrendous things happen to them so they know your anguish. Or all pain is the same, it’s painful.

Go back and try to imagine what this specific thing would be like. Imagine a huge hand pressing down on your face to keep you quiet or maybe to smother you. Imagine hearing grown men, laughing. Jacking off.

You can try and try and try but you will never come close.

You may tell me that it’s not a contest. And you’re right it’s not. But just try to imagine this horror happening to you.
Then you can tell me all about it. Until that time? I’d rather just be left alone



  1. Sarah Olson said,

    October 6, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    If I cannot understand it, I can still be here in silent affirmation, a witness to your truth.

    Be very gentle with yourself. And remember to breathe.


  2. Karita said,

    October 6, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    I can’t understand, I know that. But I can love you and I do. I’m just going to climb in next to you and sit with you a while, I hope that’s OK.


  3. Ravin said,

    October 6, 2010 at 1:39 pm


    I know I can’t be in that space with you. But here today I can offer comfort and empathy.


  4. IAmEchad said,

    October 6, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    I agree with everything you’ve said and I know I’ll never know how you feel. But I hope I can provide even a bit of hope or comfort to all of you or at least some.

  5. October 6, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    *Holding Hand Out*

  6. October 6, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Yep, what everyone else said. Safe hugs to you. Know we care!

  7. October 6, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    I am angry that such a horrible thing was done to you. Also, I get angry at people who try to minimize my pain the way you describe others having done to you as well. I don’t even try to hide it anymore. As a matter of fact, I sometimes enjoy being rude and insulting these days whenever anyone does this to me. Especially if they are MHP.

  8. Robin said,

    October 9, 2010 at 11:14 am

    I am deeply moved. Your pain has jumped up and hit me in the face, which is exactly as it should be.

    No, no one can know your pain. Your experience is individual.

    You remind me of a time, about a year ago, when I was grappling with the rape of a friend–a deep dark secret which only a few were allowed to know. AGainst my will, I repeatedly went to that deep dark place, wondering, imagining, how devastating an experience it was. Those trips were in vain–I’ll never know, though I’d like to think that I’m a more compassionate person because of my willingness, or compulsion, to imagine and relate.

    I do not know you, but send you blessings, and hopes for gentle healing.

  9. leondryver said,

    October 28, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    I sit here trying in vein to write something comforting but can do nothing but fight back tears. That you live with this makes you stronger than you know and stronger than I could ever be.

    • October 28, 2010 at 8:24 pm

      Thank you. It’s a miracle that so many of us have survived these things. Kids can be pretty resilient šŸ˜‰

    • October 29, 2010 at 7:01 am

      That’s very sweet of you hon. Thank you, means mote than u know.

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