Oh Crap, Justice

A month ago today a violent jackass hit my brand new car. This guy was so in my face, screaming and threatening me, that I actually hallucinated and thought he was my primary perpetrator, Uncle Norman. He looked like him smelled like him sounded like him. I had a horrid flashbacky hallucination that this guy actually WAS him for about an hour. I was totally freaked out.

This guy was used to bullying women, it was easy to see. His insurance company at first denied any culpability but I kept on them and finally they reversed their decision and accepted responsibility.

Good thing, right? Great thing, right? Justice for Splint. Finally.

I was really happy about this turn of events and pretty full of myself for handling a tough and complex situation. For sticking to my guns. For not being a victim. Hooray.

Then yesterday came and I had to take my car in to get a new bumper. And it has left me just so, so sad.

Children are wailing inside me. The teenagers are up in arms. They don’t know that it’s 2010, that we are safe that I am taking care of them. All they know is that Uncle Norman appeared again, so he can likely come to get us soon.

Justice should be a good thing. But all I can think is how we will never have justice for the damage wrought upon me as a kid. I had thought I was okay with that, that it’s time is gone and it just is what it is. Living the best life I can is the best that I can do because there is no justice in the world.

However. There appears to be Justice. It seems to be something that I can have. And it makes the pain of never getting it for the atrocities wrought upon me that much more prominent. I am angry and I am sad. I’m grieving now and as much as it seems a totally inappropriate reaction there it is anyway. I don’t lie to myself, I feel whatever I feel and try to deal with the blowback when it comes.

I am grieving for all those kids who are me. I am depersonalized and seem to be floating above my head, watching things happen as if I am in a movie. A bad, bad movie.

I will persevere. I will be okay. I can snap myself out of it. It’s 2010 and I a m an adult woman. I am tough, I am turning that corner where I have left my victim status behind. I will have my day, I’ll go see my clients and I will continue to work on my song. I still can’t run, which would be so helpful. But I’ve promised to be careful and my legs seem to not want to heal after my last major run a week ago.

I just don’t wanna talk. There is a question in my mind of why I ever felt that anyone has been safe–as much as I know that I am exactly that. I just need to step away for awhile. I will be okay, I’m just so sad for those tiny little me’s inside.

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6 Comments

  1. moreheads said,

    October 19, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Just want you to know we’re here when it’s good for you.

    Ravin

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 19, 2010 at 4:08 pm

      Thanks Hun. Back atcha 😉

  2. October 19, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    Grieving, for me, was a major part of my recovery process. It is a process that may never end. Every loss has its grief. The accident is a loss so you have to grieve it or get stuck again in the never ending pain. It is healthy that you are grieving. Let it move through you and you will be in a better place. By acknowledging the pain of your inner children, you are keeping them safe.

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 19, 2010 at 4:07 pm

      Yep. Thanks. Just trying to let it all pass they me and not let my ego get attached.

  3. October 19, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    I would never presume to tell you or anyone else how they “should” deal with grief or distress. Just know that I’m here, I’m listening, and I honor your process – whatever it needs to look like for you. I care, hun.

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 19, 2010 at 4:08 pm

      Thanks honey. You too.


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