My Relationship

I have grown/recovered at a furious pace in the past five months. I look back and while I recognize that poor bescattered woman, she seems a thousand miles away.

I am running–outside. I am working. Not as much as I need to no but working at all is new for me so I’ll still keep it in the Win column. I meditate every day. I’m painting again and am teaching myself to play the piano. I am writing far far less than I ever have. I used to type the same things, over and over again for hours on end.

Now I write what I want. I am in the process of getting a trademark on a killer invention and I am getting together the book I was meant to write.

So I have all this really great growth stuff happening. And my relationship with my partner is beginning to weigh very heavily on my mind.

I love my partner and she loves me. We’ve been together for 17 years. We’ve gotten thru the loss of three parents, all within a year or so of one another. We’ve made it thru the worst of my illness.

I need for the basic dynamics of our relationship tp change with me. But I don’t know that it can. It isn’t up to me, really. I’d like to say that it is up to us, together. But I don’t know that I can.

I have been as flexible as I could be during the course of our relationship. Basically wifey runs the show. She’s very rigid in her thinking. Once she sets a neural pathway there is no changing it.

Like the sex thing. From out of nowhere a decade or so ago she declared that she was celibate. She could never explain it, never went into detail. Just…done. Lays down the line and that’s it. No questions no answers.

I’ve been very patient. Learned to not take it personally (she says it’s my fault but won’t elaborate), learned to just deal as best I can. I get laud every now and then–when she decides. Were I to ask for it all he’ll would break loose. Accusations w/out explanations, vindictiveness…..not pretty. So I just adapted.

She has a complete inability for intimacy. She had a horrid growing-up. Older siblings just brutal to her, alcoholic dad victim mother. Lots of emotional scarring. I get it.

But the bottom line is that as I get healthy this is going to have to be a healthier relationship. I love her, I really do. But I can’t live forever being emotionally and verbally abused. My patience wears thin.

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10 Comments

  1. October 25, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    When I started growing and changing and getting healthier, my 12-Step sponsor told me that if my relationship with my husband didn’t grow, it would die. That always scared me. My husband has never been in a recovery program of any kind. He decided a long time ago that the whole problem was mine because of the incest.

    We just had our 38th anniversary so I guess the relationship has grown and changed enough for both of us to be satisfied with it. I can tell you that if I said no completely to sex, he would have probably walked out a long time ago. I don’t say yes to sex as often as he would like. He would like it every day. As long as I am willing to work on saying yes more often, he is willing to compromise.

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 26, 2010 at 4:58 am

      Yep just trying to see how things go I suppose c…… Thanks

  2. October 26, 2010 at 12:44 am

    Wow, hun, I relate to your post in quite a few ways. I learned from experience that changing a relationship between two people cannot be done solely by one of the people involved, no matter how committed they are to the process. That being said, there’s always the possibility of a meaningful dialogue that might finally open the door to change.

    It sounds like you’re doing some substantial, impressive work. I am always in your cheering section, and offer my support.

    Jo

  3. Splinteredones said,

    October 26, 2010 at 4:54 am

    Aww, thanks hiney. Only time will tell on this one, ya know?

  4. moreheads said,

    October 26, 2010 at 6:35 am

    When you begin to change the world just gets this difference and the folks around you sort of come into clearer focus. It can be an eye opener and the negative always jumps out first.

    Learning to assert yourself can be hard when you ain’t never done it before. For a partner it might be so different they don’t even know what they a re seeing.

    Your life, yourself to give or withhold, just works so much better when sharing happens. Here listening, here with a hugs.

    Ravin

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 26, 2010 at 6:46 am

      Yep. I’m hoping it can work.

  5. October 26, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    That would be incredibly difficult and I sincerely hope the two of you can work through this. Or, rather, that she can become less rigid and able to be intimate. It would be so sad to see your relationship end.

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 26, 2010 at 3:42 pm

      Yea sure would. Time will tell. Thanks hon.

  6. Trish Austin said,

    October 27, 2010 at 7:14 am

    I haven’t been reading blogs or writing…I’m on twitter…been too busy feeling pathetic. But, I’m so happy your doing so well. All you have going on is so positive! It gives me hope.

    I can relate to your relationship issue. Sadly. But, your partner will have to become less rigid because as you are growing opportunities will come your way and you don’t deserve to be with someone who doesn’t consider your needs important. Plus, it’s not promoting your growth. Good luck with this one. I’m married 3 times. So, I give no advice on relationships. Lol

    • Splinteredones said,

      October 27, 2010 at 7:38 am

      Thanks hon. She is up down and all over the place. But as I get to understanding what I want…for sure things will need to change. Thanks again for your help. Time will tell


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