Battlestar Galactica

I’m getting near the place of finally just quitting. Iambitadangertomyselforothers at this time but am not making any promises. A dark shroud was forced over my head in my childhood and I am realizing that nothing can ever make that go away.

Suicide is an interesting question. My soul, like everyone else’s, is timeless until something happens to mass. I figure I have around five million years to keep cycling thru and I am really not up for it.

There are lessons for me to learn this time around. I know what they are I think but I can no longer see how I’m gonna learn any of them here. I know that I am doomed to go backwards next time around because there is so much of horrendous that I cannot healthily reconcile. Evil has attached itself to me and there’s no getting out.

It breaks my heart. I have tried so, so hard to be a good person. But I will never be good enough in this life I fear.

The only thing that is keeping me alive is the fear of facing all the damage done to my karma. That and the physical act of dying.

People say all the time that everything happens for a reason. Why I have happened I do not know. Nobody’s ready this time around to hear my message. It’s nice to think that people care but I really don’t believe it. Many people have been nice to me of course and I have greatly appreciated that.

My message was this: speak up. Don’t be tolerant of abuse. Be militant. And yet every few seconds some girl somewhere is being sexually abused somewhere in the world. It’s like it doesn’t exist. Fuckall.

I have this huge pile of crap that I’m trying to be able to do. Cope. But one has to ask–is that really enough to keep going? Is feeling good for awhile really all that I can do?

I am worthless. All used up before I hit my teens. Such a shame that I am not a good enough person to be able to turn that around and be valuable in any way. I would like to think that I could be helpful, but I can’t be. I do not know why. Is what is.

The clock is ticking on this allforshit life of mine. It seems that this life has let me be strong enough to handle some very serious shit but hasn’t given me the strength or compassion or whatever it took to use it to teach. To save children. Not so much for me.

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13 Comments

  1. Ravin said,

    November 1, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    Here listening, reading, caring. You aren’t worthless, you’re an awesome human. Hard to see from the pit. Call C, let her know you are this down. You are not seeing thing clearly Gal.
    Hugs,
    Ravin

  2. November 1, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Hey, hun. I didn’t get online until now, or I would have responded immediately. Your post speaks eloquently of the pain that is unique to survivors of extreme abuse. I know it feels hopeless right now – been there, done that, as you know. Know that I ~genuinely~ care. I’ve DM’d you with my cell phone number in the past – by all means call me Tuesday if you want to talk live.

    In the meantime, I will be thinking of you, sending you peaceful energy. You are important, you are loved, and you most definitely matter. The world is a better place because you’re in it, in my opinion. Anybody who wants to argue the point can kiss my bodacious ass.

    • November 2, 2010 at 4:44 am

      That’s very sweet of you hon. And I may just take you up
      On it. Seems like such a huge mountain range of shit, ya know? I look at it and keep thinking how am I ever gonna heal from all of THIS? I don’t think I can. Thanks for ur comment dear.

  3. Karita said,

    November 2, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Big weight on your shoulders there, girl.

    All I can say is you mean a lot to me. I think you’re lovely. I would miss you. Therefore, your life has value and meaning.

    *Hugs*

  4. November 2, 2010 at 10:53 am

    You “feel” worthless. But you are not. Be good to yourself. I hope you find some peace.

  5. November 2, 2010 at 5:37 pm

    Hang on for all you are worth because you are worth a lot to all of those who follow you and love you for being you. Like Paul and others said, you are not worthless. Take care of yourself. I agree with whoever said call your therapist. (((Splinterdrones))) Sending you hugs and surrounding you in healing Light and loving Reiki energy.

  6. Anupadin said,

    November 5, 2010 at 4:55 am

    Those of us who have been in a similar place know how you feel and sympathise.

    There is always light at the end of the tunnel and there are things you can do to improve your situation.

    If you do nothing else today, listen to this … http://media.libsyn.com/media/abuddhistpodcast/The_Buddha_Geoff_and_Me_-_Chapter_1.mp3

    It will make you smile if nothing else, and it may, as it has for me, turn your life around.

    Namaste,

    Richard

  7. YouAreABlackCloud said,

    November 10, 2010 at 4:57 am

    A miserable person like you lives only to spread their misery everywhere. You hate happy jovial people who are liked and admired because you hate yourself so much.

    Here’s a clue you stupid fucken bitch. You have no idea what other people have been through that is way worse than you and your constant fucking complaining. You think that because you are so miserable it gives you to the right to bully and torment people well let me tell you something, God does not like ugly. The reason you are so fucken miserable is because you inflict misery on others. Maybe when you stop trying to bully others will you find any peace in your miserable disgusting black cloud of a fucken life. Just because you are a despondent miserable piece of shit doesn’t give you the right to try to try to make other people miserable.

    • November 10, 2010 at 8:27 am

      It would be nice if u had the stick to identify yourself, but no matter. This has no impact on me whatsoever. I do not bully anyone. If you choose to take my documentation of my struggles, good bad and indifferent, personally–I suggest you try some therapy. I ask no one to read me, I ask no one to agree with me. I am very sorry that you have been triggered. Suggest you look into ur own life and do your own work. If you need to tee off on somebody you can tee off on me, that’s fine. But it will not help you to do so in. The long run. I won’t be approving any other comments from you as I don’t want my readers to be exposed to ur rageouts.

      Seek help.

    • November 12, 2010 at 9:59 am

      I’ve been thinking about this comment foe a few days and what keeps coming to me is how much horrendous pain this poor person is in. I totally recognize this place and it’s just awful. He/she is writhing in shame and self-loarhibg and is obviously very, very depressed. This can be a dangerous place to be. To whoever you are–thjngs can get better. You are stronger than you think. Please, please get help. You don’t have to carry this toxic shame with you 24/7. It’s not your fault. Promise. If ypu’re a perpwtrator, give up. You can gwt help as well thry the priaon system and tour soul can be unburdened–finally. Whatever the case, be safe. You do not have to harm yourself in any way. Namaste

  8. November 10, 2010 at 11:31 am

    Splinty, congratulations on your civilized reply to YouAreABlackCloud. I probably wouldn’t have been as nice. I probably would have posted it as you did because everyone is allowed their opinion on my blog. Name calling is bullying. I don’t see you bullying your readers at all, Splinty.

    On second thought, I probably would have been as nice as you in your reply because I would take into account the pain that BlackCloud is obviously in. Splinty, hope you are having a better day.

    • Splinteredonss said,

      November 10, 2010 at 11:52 am

      Thanks. Yes, this is a person in terrible pain. I recognize that place, it’s a shame to see anyone hurting so badly. I hope this person can get the help they so desperately need and can heal to know peace. Namaste


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