Battlestar Galactica

My mind has been waging a huge war over me in the past ten days or so. The primary issue has had to do with whether it’s my duty to stay alive, slogging thru the shit for some unknown reason, or if I have an obligation to just go ahead, kill myself, and start over with the next life.

Frankly, it’s a tangle. Kenny Chesney the country weatern singer has a great line in one of my favorite songs. “For all the answers and the reasons why I’m at this crossroads in my life and I don’t really know which way to go.”

This is where I’ve been. It has seemed like a time for decisions, though. I did the research had the plan. Wrote a current will and fascinated myself with the perfect goodbye letters.

Once all the glam was done, I just waited. For ten days I let unedited thought pass thru me. It was a heavy time of flashbacks and exhaustion.

Ihavenovalueihavenopurposenobodywouldmissmeforlonghoqgreattojuatbedonethisonehasbeenaclusterfyxkfromthebefinningiwillpayahugepriceinjarmadorthosehorriblethingsrhathappenedbutijusycantdothisanylonger.

I got off the strict diet I was on (to support my wife who’s just been diagnosed w/diabetes) at the command of my therapist, the omniscient C. Within a day I was regaining my strength. I was becoming able to do a couple of my coping things and felt a tad better still.

It was said to me that even though my life to date has been this huge clusterfuck that it needn’t always be that way. Then she said these words: “your purpose in this life is to learn thru your rough life whatever it is that your karma needs to learn. Probably healing many lives’ worth of lessons. That is the purpose of this life for you. Healing”.

Oh yeah. Hummm, well. Bad Buddhist, bad! So I meditated on that for a day or so, during which time it became as clear as crystal. Yes I have a purpose in this lifetime. And yes–healing IS what it’s about.

I don’t know what has happened during earlier wanderings of my soul. But I can honestly say that I don’t know much about healing myself.

And so I see that I can do good to my own personal karma, which will improve the wisdom of the Collective. I have been so lost. But now I’m found thru my faith. Was blind but now I see.

Battlestar Galactica is over for now and I’d like to think that Universal good has won. I am not naive, I know that I have a long painful road to walk. But at least thru this round I have a purpose. Heal to teach others how to heal. I like this.

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4 Comments

  1. Ravin said,

    November 8, 2010 at 5:04 pm

    Gal this is really good to read. Welcome back! I wouldn’t just forget you, know that, put it in your head and try to keep it! 🙂

    Ravin

    • Splinteredonss said,

      November 8, 2010 at 5:59 pm

      Thanks sweetie. Back atcha. {{{}}}

  2. Sarah Olson said,

    November 8, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    “Heal to teach others how to heal.”

    Yes! This is what helps me get out of bed some days, in that it gives me purpose and meaning to “pay it forward”.

    As Ravin said, I also wouldn’t just forget you. It doesn’t work like that. You’ve already touched more people than you could possibly know.

    Always, be good to you,

    Sarah

    • splinteredones said,

      November 9, 2010 at 3:28 pm

      Aww, that’s sweet. Thank you. The helping others to heal thing just typed itself, wasn’t even conscious of the thought at the time. How’s that for karma helping out?


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