Marriage: A Rant

Ok. Enough is enough. I am so tired of Marriage and Couples’ Counselors who toss around the word Marriage and talk of it in glowing terms, as something to improve upon, to fix. As if it’s a goal to be attained and sustained.

I get it. I get that few Marriage counselors want to deal with gay couples. If they did they wouldn’t offend us with the use of that word. I don’t believe that the dynamics of most monogamous gay/lesbian couples are really all that different from straight ones.

But when a therapist bandies abput the word Marriage s/he is furthering our invisibility, the cold hard cruel fact that gays are excluded from the collective rights inherent in the legal marriage status.

Marriage is not just a romantic statement that two people are committing to each other for better and for worse. Monogamy.

Marriage is a LEGAL contract. It gives financial reward from the IRS. It defines Power of Attorney. It defines Next of Kin status so that if one partner is in the hospital the other can’t be denied access to their hospital room. In the case of death of one partner it allows the living partner the right to make decisions regarding what to do with the body. It allows partners the right to make decisions regarding long-term and end-term health facilities. It allows for shared property.

This nation has decided time after time that gay people don’t get to have these basic rights. It’s nationally-recognized Hate Crime. Don’t kid yourself, this has nothing to do with what’s in the Bible or the Torah or the Koran. It is active Hate.

So. When a Marriage/couples’ Therapist tosses about the word Marriage and expects that the may have something relevant to say to me–they are spitting in my face and in the eye of every gay/lesbian couple that’s in a committed monogamous relationship.

Again. I am not saying here that These therapists should all see gay couples as well as straight ones. I would personally never see a straight therapist. But it really pisses me off when these people toss around the M word and say when they’re called on it that it’s just semantics. That the vocabulary they’ve chosen could just as easily be any other word.

I suppose i expect from the mental health community that they should be aware of these basic civil rights issues. If they don’t want gay clients–AGAIN–they don’t have to have them. But i DO expect that if they are going to toss the M word around that they take responsibility for their behavior. That they are endorsing national Hate Crime.

Don’t tell me that the word “Marriage” could just as easily be ANY other word. Because that is hypocritical and irresponsible. Get yourself enough cojones to admit your sanction of Hate Crime. It’s your choice. If you’re gonna make it take responsibility for your decisions. Don’t minimalize active discrimination.



  1. IAmEchad said,

    December 12, 2010 at 2:37 pm

    oy! what happened? YOu and wifey see a couples counselor recently? If a therapist personally said it to you and then minimized it, that is not ok. wow. sorry that happened.

    • Splinteredonss said,

      December 12, 2010 at 3:33 pm

      No, not been to couples’ therapy. It’s te pro’s on line, who bandy abkut the M word then don’t recognize it’s impact. Irritating

  2. Pandora said,

    December 13, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    I completely agree, Splint. Obviously I am not in your position, but I find it grossly offensive that you will see some therapists “specialising” in same-sex relationships or, alternatively, “unqualified to treat same-sex couples”. WTF? Same sex, different sex – what’s the fucking difference? Oh wait, it’s people’s pathetic little prejudices in this, the second decade of the 21st century!

    Another thing that winds me up is marriage v civil partnerships specifically. Here, same-sex couples can register a civil partnership. To most intents and purposes it’s the same as heterosexual marriage, but there are subtle differences. And the semantics annoy me, even though I know it’s irrational; why can’t I have a civil partnership – after all, marriage has for quite a while been largely understood in terms of religious connotations,and I’m an atheist – and why can’t a gay couple have a marriage? There are many gay people that are religious.

    People dress it up a lot, and I accept that things are much better than they used to be – but still, look behind the subtleties and the sad truth is that homophobic discrimination is still not uncommon 😦

    Hugs and love to you hun

    ❤ xxx

    • Splinteredonss said,

      December 13, 2010 at 12:27 pm

      Thanks honey. If ur gonna use the M word–just be aware of what ur saying and don’t tell ME that it’s just a “convenient tag” and that ur sensitive to our issues. Not cool.

  3. December 15, 2010 at 5:24 pm

    Amen! ‘Nuff said.

    • Splinteredonss said,

      December 16, 2010 at 1:20 pm

      Yep. Thanks 😉

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