About Splinteredones

We had always known “something happened” to make us a horrible black vile monster. Started having flashbacks at 37 years of age. Unfortunately we were lost in the land of CBT with folks who were concerned more with our general behavior, very ordinary on the outside, than on the traumatic events themselves. And certainly not on dissociative issues like losing time and feeling completely…unwhole. When we finally switched to a specialist in October 2009, a marvelous woman who gets it, we exploded into a hundred little pieces. This blog is about my journey thru DID and traumatic resolutions. Tired and frightened.

Edit January 31, 2010. Well. It has been about a month or so since we wrote the above. We have splintered into a blinding lightshow of a thousand lasers. Some scream to be heard, a few are regular customers in therapy. Most as yet unknown.

We have begun to feel things. A white-hot rage was the first to rear it’s ugly head. Fury at us fury at the world. T (therapist) has the Furies not doing any more self-harm and that’s not going so well. Sex seems to be our only coping mechanism. Which is great when there aren’t a hundred nosy/curious and immediately frightened/appalled kids teenagers and adults poking their noses in where hey don’t belong. We had the nerve to go to the DMV abit ago, which brought ou the snurly teenagers, who are horrified atthe whole sex thing but who can’t stop watching. Like passing a fatal car accident.

Are we getting across that it’s chaos in here? It’s chaos in here. A couple of days ago T pulled out Sad, the Great Pariah. That’s her entire job. To just be so, so sad. We do not want this one but Pandora’s Box has been opened and now everybody knows where she lives. She is bleeding all over everything. So much that we cannot see.

Dix we say it’s utter chaos in here? Yup. Not so sure about thus journey.

Edit long overdue September 23 2010. Well, much has changed in the past nine months. The biggie is that T dumped me for reasons I didn’t understand. What she got across very clearly was that this was somehow my fault. Guess what? Fuck you thanks for doing a huge favor, cutting it when I really couldn’t. Bitch. I just hope she doesn’t have other trauma people.

Anyway it brought me to C, with whom I share a great big CLICK. I have never experienced this kind of thing w/a therapist before. She says it like it is. She wants me to be independent of her, not the reverse which has made most of my prior therapists a ton of money.

I am running. I am learning to play the piano. I am ready for cooler temps to be able to paint. I am working. I am having fun. C says I’m on a growth spurt, that soon things will be boring. I am getting so much better so quickly that I’d like abit of stuckedness for a change. My life is great.

So here’s a lesson. It’s not about them. Be with someone you can trust. It’s all the difference in the world.

11 Comments

  1. January 19, 2010 at 8:30 am

    I found your blog through Petrogenic’s. Sorry this is all new to you. But glad you are finding acceptance about what’s going on for you.

    • January 19, 2010 at 9:46 am

      Thanks. We are whatcwe are. After wasting a dozen years in CBT we finally feel that maybe there is hope. Welcome and thank you.

  2. Paul said,

    January 19, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Another way to look at it, though, is that CBT could have taught you some very useful skills… and allow you to be where you are at now.

    • January 19, 2010 at 9:58 am

      Yes well you would think. Right now we’re trying to grapple with the reality that we need to deal with thirty or forty stories of horrid abuse from so many ltiile and big perspectives. Emotionally so. Tagged your blog, fascinating. Thanks souch for popping in!

  3. Paul said,

    January 19, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Pacing.

    • January 19, 2010 at 11:19 am

      Thanks. Right now there is just too much coming too fast. T says it won’t always be this way. Let’s hope so. Thanks.

  4. 365gratitude said,

    February 16, 2010 at 10:01 am

    I’d stumbled onto your blog via searching “oprah and pedophiles”. I’d like to read the entry.

  5. Phil Groom said,

    March 23, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    There are only two of me, though the other night we became three and I wondered if that made me a god of some sort … but we resolved back into two, and I know we two are really one …

    I hope that in all your splinteredness that you’re able to find a point of unity, a coalescence; and thank you for the twitter follow: I look forward to getting to know you a little more.

    Please ignore that I’m a bloke: that’s just the body I was born with. I know you don’t like men and that’s fair enough; but it’s not something I chose, just the way I was born.

    • March 23, 2010 at 5:20 pm

      Well, thanks for stopping by how nice. Actually we have no dislike of men, it’s misogyny that we have no tolerance for. So no worry there. Still new to all of this so things are just not so much some of the time. I hope some of our words can be of help to you. 😉

  6. March 24, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    Thank to all of you for sharing your experiences – I hope others who have struggled in a similar way make their way to your blog. I’m honored to have been allowed the privilege to see inside.

    Keep up the good work – seems like you’re on a great path doing what you’re doing!

    Lisa

    • March 24, 2010 at 4:37 pm

      See, you are just the sweetest thang! Been told we need to get our stuff out more. We are a technical dolt, nobody was interested in computers so that’s how that goes. Your encouragement means wonders. Thanks.


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