DADT Rant

Last week a huge civil rights victory was won by gay and leabians in the US ofA. Gays can now serve openly in the military. We can fight and be brojen and injured and killed for their countey and they can be gay too.

I have heard alot of slamming of Bill Clintin for having put this…custom…into place. And quite frankly it really pisses me off.

Have many vwterans been kicked out for being gay? Been injured and killed by thwur fellows for it? Lost life carers because of it? Yes, absolutely.

But for those of us who were around when DADT was adopted remember the context in history at that time and we should never forget it.

Whar DADT did was to eliminate the direct question on the recruiters’ interviews. No more are u a homosexual yes then get the hell out of my office. It was a huge, huge victory for all of us, not only thos who wished to serve and who were gay.

Were we as a minority satisfied with this policy? No. But it was a very, very impprtant step, shifting the military’s priorities and policies one step closer.

I recall very vividly Bill Clinton’s first week in office. Don’t recall what it was about exactly but it was a positive report on the issue of homosexuality. Wow. I recall being blown away that we were in the paper for something other than the freak-show that was Chicago’s Gay Pride Parade at the time.

I remember thinking wow, can we actually be visible? It’s impossible to fight when ypu’re invisible. Bill Clinton made the world aware that there was a gay community in this country. Which has set up the honest conflicys we are blessed to be fighting today.

Was Bill Clintin the perfect President? No. Of course not. Was he a scuzzball? Very likely. But in taking off the direct question are you or have u ever been a homosexual, he took the first major step towards equality.

So don’t rant on Bill Clinton for establishing DADT until ypu have the historical context. It was a miracle at the time.

Marriage: A Rant

Ok. Enough is enough. I am so tired of Marriage and Couples’ Counselors who toss around the word Marriage and talk of it in glowing terms, as something to improve upon, to fix. As if it’s a goal to be attained and sustained.

I get it. I get that few Marriage counselors want to deal with gay couples. If they did they wouldn’t offend us with the use of that word. I don’t believe that the dynamics of most monogamous gay/lesbian couples are really all that different from straight ones.

But when a therapist bandies abput the word Marriage s/he is furthering our invisibility, the cold hard cruel fact that gays are excluded from the collective rights inherent in the legal marriage status.

Marriage is not just a romantic statement that two people are committing to each other for better and for worse. Monogamy.

Marriage is a LEGAL contract. It gives financial reward from the IRS. It defines Power of Attorney. It defines Next of Kin status so that if one partner is in the hospital the other can’t be denied access to their hospital room. In the case of death of one partner it allows the living partner the right to make decisions regarding what to do with the body. It allows partners the right to make decisions regarding long-term and end-term health facilities. It allows for shared property.

This nation has decided time after time that gay people don’t get to have these basic rights. It’s nationally-recognized Hate Crime. Don’t kid yourself, this has nothing to do with what’s in the Bible or the Torah or the Koran. It is active Hate.

So. When a Marriage/couples’ Therapist tosses about the word Marriage and expects that the may have something relevant to say to me–they are spitting in my face and in the eye of every gay/lesbian couple that’s in a committed monogamous relationship.

Again. I am not saying here that These therapists should all see gay couples as well as straight ones. I would personally never see a straight therapist. But it really pisses me off when these people toss around the M word and say when they’re called on it that it’s just semantics. That the vocabulary they’ve chosen could just as easily be any other word.

I suppose i expect from the mental health community that they should be aware of these basic civil rights issues. If they don’t want gay clients–AGAIN–they don’t have to have them. But i DO expect that if they are going to toss the M word around that they take responsibility for their behavior. That they are endorsing national Hate Crime.

Don’t tell me that the word “Marriage” could just as easily be ANY other word. Because that is hypocritical and irresponsible. Get yourself enough cojones to admit your sanction of Hate Crime. It’s your choice. If you’re gonna make it take responsibility for your decisions. Don’t minimalize active discrimination.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

My Relationship

I have grown/recovered at a furious pace in the past five months. I look back and while I recognize that poor bescattered woman, she seems a thousand miles away.

I am running–outside. I am working. Not as much as I need to no but working at all is new for me so I’ll still keep it in the Win column. I meditate every day. I’m painting again and am teaching myself to play the piano. I am writing far far less than I ever have. I used to type the same things, over and over again for hours on end.

Now I write what I want. I am in the process of getting a trademark on a killer invention and I am getting together the book I was meant to write.

So I have all this really great growth stuff happening. And my relationship with my partner is beginning to weigh very heavily on my mind.

I love my partner and she loves me. We’ve been together for 17 years. We’ve gotten thru the loss of three parents, all within a year or so of one another. We’ve made it thru the worst of my illness.

I need for the basic dynamics of our relationship tp change with me. But I don’t know that it can. It isn’t up to me, really. I’d like to say that it is up to us, together. But I don’t know that I can.

I have been as flexible as I could be during the course of our relationship. Basically wifey runs the show. She’s very rigid in her thinking. Once she sets a neural pathway there is no changing it.

Like the sex thing. From out of nowhere a decade or so ago she declared that she was celibate. She could never explain it, never went into detail. Just…done. Lays down the line and that’s it. No questions no answers.

I’ve been very patient. Learned to not take it personally (she says it’s my fault but won’t elaborate), learned to just deal as best I can. I get laud every now and then–when she decides. Were I to ask for it all he’ll would break loose. Accusations w/out explanations, vindictiveness…..not pretty. So I just adapted.

She has a complete inability for intimacy. She had a horrid growing-up. Older siblings just brutal to her, alcoholic dad victim mother. Lots of emotional scarring. I get it.

But the bottom line is that as I get healthy this is going to have to be a healthier relationship. I love her, I really do. But I can’t live forever being emotionally and verbally abused. My patience wears thin.

Bullying is Nice and Packageable

It amazes me how many resources have been allocated from whatever other things they were doing to the issue of child bullying. As a lesbian, I was horrified but not surprised when in one week several gay kids killed themselves because of torment brought on by other assumedly non-gay kids. I was out as a teenager in the mid-seventies. It was not easy. I had other things going on in my life that made it easy for me to not really register the cruelty of my peers. But I was just lucky that they didn’t get to me, too.

There’s all this stuff about bullying, where do bullies come from how they’re all over cyberspace, what if my kid is a bully, how do I ensure my kid doesn’t become a bully. I saw something on twitter yesterday that said that over 70% of parents’ greatest fear for their children is that they’re a bully. Really, your greatest fear for your kids?

Celebrities have popped up all over the place, decrying bullying, contributing to support for gay teens, doing press releases and their celebrity thing. Donations donations donations. PR PR PR.

I will say this once and will erase any comments that ignore it: this is a very, very important social issue. Bullying is brutal on both parties. There is little protection a parent can give their kids if they’re victimized. Gay adults are bullied around by our government but kids–that’s just plain interpersonal cruelty at a very fragile time in a person’s life. I would never want to be a teenager again.

However. All this sudden and socially popular focus on bullies and their victims seems to me to be a tremendous luxury. Again–I am not diminishing the pain these poor kids have to deal with. There needs to be greater attention paid.

But when one looks from the eyes of a former child whose life was threatened and nearly taken, who has been thru horrendous sexual assault….I have got to say I find it all abit offensive.

Here’s the issue. Bullying is a new thing here, there are issues related to schooling children, teaching them compassion, fixing them if they’re violent little jerks. Is it the schools or is it the parents? Genetic? Tabula Rasa? These are questions that can be looked at without anybody’s hands actually getting too dirty. Oprah and Ellen and Alec Baldwin can stand up and say Hey There Don’t Be A Bully and it’s a neat little package. Sure, a few kids died, but nobody has to do any real soul searching, any digging up bodies, any dealing with mass wreckage wrought on little girls and boys by (mostly) people they know and trust. As has been going on since time began. Nobody wants to count the suicides.

Nobody has to deal with un-PC issues like sex trafficking, or RA or how survivors get thru their lives. That stuff is hard, the visual images and storytelling don’t really fit daytime or primetime TV. And who wants to hear about stuff that is so grotesque, so horrific such a nightmare.

We are out there, an army of CSA survivors. We tell our stories when we can, and many of us do. There’s an entire wing of psychology that tries to help us live the best lives we can from amongst the wreckage. There’s no secret, it happens every day. Every single day. To countless little girls and boys.

But despite our presence, nobody is going to galvanize in a couple of weeks a national effort to help us. There’s a line in the sand of what is dealable and what is not and nobody wants to see us. We’re not hard to find, it’s just…nobody wants to know. There will be an occasional sensationalistic thing on some tv show about a woman with 52 personalities and how weird she is. But nobody does a Purple Twibbon for us.

Where’s Ellen? Where’s Alec? Where are they? Patting themselves on the back for doing such a great job on the latest socially current fad. Where are the financial resources? Where’s the help? It’s sitting over here in my neighborhood, Heinousville. Just on the wrong side of the tracks.

Once again. I’m a lesbian, I think it’s horrid what kids have to deal with. There are always some cruel kids and there are way too few resources to help their poor victims. But I have waited for 48 years to get my cause to walk down the red carpet and get all the interviews. It’s sad and demeaning to get that you are just too dirty.

Get off your ass and save your children. Save your friend’s children. Package a Cause and sell it to America in a three=hour concert with texty donation setups. People are raping your children and you are not listening. Their lives are interrupted and stolen from them. Probably by somebody you know. Teach your kids how to say NO. To daddy, to mommy, to anybody who’s doing bad stuff or who says bad stuff. Pay attention to keeping them alive because a third of your daughters will face sexual assault by age 18.

What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Is Proud Really Necessary?

It’s Gay Pride weekend here in Chicago and it is a big, big deal. There maybe up to a million and a half people watching the big parade on Sunday by conservative estimates. There have been festivals and dances and singers and performers all month. There’s a big street festival in the lesbian ghetto tomorrow. Everybody dusts off their most outlandish behavior and just goes nuts.

It didn’t used to be this way. I went to see my first Pride Parade in 1976. Police arrested people for lewd behavior/public drunkenness/whateveredness just because they could. There were a couple of crappy little floats from big bars. It was over in 1/2 hour. People were afraid to go back in those days what if somebody sees me? Well, they’re there too right??? But whatever. People still had slot of fear of being out of the closet.

I was arrested one year for holding my fuck-buddy’s hand. I was involved in a big riot one year when a cop arrested several leather guys for something I don’t even recall. The demonstration went all the way around the cop station.

Newspaper coverage used to be atrocious. The day after the parade there would inevitably be a front page slam of the event, complete with a picture of two guys humping or some especially odd drag queen stunt.

It used to mean big big trouble to be out of the closet or to be outed. Job/family losses, shame..well you know. And yetthe costs of living a lie were just as grave if not moreso.

I think back on those days and I suppose I can be proud of the activism of those first few of us who refused to be intimidated and who were able to do the activism work to start the acceptance ball rolling. All minorities need to fight their battles for acceptance.

As I look at DADT and the unhappy state of the Marriage fight I have to wonder if perhaps it’s time for us to return to that old-school fight. Yell more, get arrested more. Dmarch more. We are trying to reason with the unreasonable Nd it just is not working.

We need to be out. We need to be visible. We need to create a ruckus. Old-school.

I was in AA for 2 years or so after I quit drinking/drugging. It seemed to me that these people who were going for five years, ten years, fifteen…..were still alcoholics but who just weren’t engaging in the behavior. They were fundamentally defining themselves as beings connected to alcohol. Which was really just not the case for me.

I suppose that is how I feel about being a “Proud” lesbian. I don’t think I should have to be proud of who I am
Any more than I should make it a point to be proud of my many many many freckles. Or of the fact that I have three cats.

But I have to be Proud. Because I am a part of a minority that is being denied basic civil rights I have to keep the fight going. I have to have a gay flag on my car. I have to put hashtags on my tweets. I have to stand up and be counted. Because somebody else out there feels that they cannot and somebody needs to fight the fight for them.

I am proud of my part in the fight I suppose. That I insist people deal with me. Proud of how far my city has come.

But I’d really prefer to be able to just be me, to be proud of Stonewall and the history of my people. But not especially of my life now.

True Blood/Straight Porn

If anyone has seen the I believe it’s HBO’s vampire series True Blood you will know exactly what I’m saying. It’s this story about how blood was bottled by the Japanese and this caused the Vampire community to Come Out of the Closet so to speak because there was no longer a need for them
To feed. Sounds gross or sci-fi ish but that’s really not what the story’s about.

There are all kinds of non-human entities walking the Earth. Shape shifter who can become whatever animal they want at-will. There are people who can read other humans’ minds. There are handmaidens of Dionysus who are up to all kinds of bizarre trouble. Some of these beings have been around for thousands of years.

The plotline of this story has more twists turns and weird, weird events than Twin Peaks, if anybody out there remembers how bizarre that show was. You just never know what is going to happen from minute to minute.

Buttbere is one thing that you know will always be a big part of the story. Plenty plenty plenty of gorgeous bodies and lots and lots of sex. I’ve seen no bestiality which is a plus but one guy did fuck a pine tree. Yes. That is what I said.

Wifey had been told about this show from somewhere and it was on On Demand so one night we dialed it up. Ho lee cow. Wifey was instantly attracted to the weirdness of it all, the vampire mythology and thenconstant surprises. I was hooked on the sex.

I have slept with three men in my life voluntarily. All were buddies and I just wanted to see what it was like. This was in college and shortly thereafter. I don’t know why and was extremely drunk and high every time. All I can say is that it is REALLY not my thing. They all said I was the best lay ever whatever and that probably had less to do with me personally and more that they were doing a lesbian. Or maybe because as a lesbian I have a rather broader interpretation of sex than the great majority, I dunno. Anyway I found it strange, unnatural and really rather boring.

So. If I am not into men sexually and it seems so mildly distasteful to me, then why do I get totally turned on watching this show? To be sure there’s suggestion aplenty of gay sex but as always the most filmtime is taken up with straight sex.

I think it’s the noises. Typically the women who are getting laid are a very noisy group overall. Also you can see their faces and bodies react. Hotcha mama.

Or maybe it’s just all those gorgeous bodies. I have never been physically attracted to any man, but a hot bod as long as it’s in pants is a hot bod.

So far I’ve seen one very brief blip of full frontal male
Nudity, ewwwwww. Most of the nudity and there’s quite abit of it, partial or full, is of women. Typically again. I suppose that is what gets me going.

I feel guilty. I feel that there is something wrong with me that I find myself totally turned on by this show. Like I should be turning in my lesbian license card or something. It’s just all so luscious and cinematographically sumptuous.

Lesbian pornography, I mean the real thing by women/for women gets me going. Your majority of for-men porn really doesn’t turn me on, although the boob factor is a plus.

And then of course there are the political ramifications of
Indulging in any form of pornography at all. Lesbian porn is okay with me because I trust (maybe naively) that the gals are doing it because they want to. I trust that the lesbian bookstore that carries most of this stuff wouldn’t sell any production of any kind that involved any form of usury. With the male porn out there one never knows so I obviously steer clear politically as well as from lack of interest.

But it’s an interesting question, bow I blip past the men who are doing their part of the straight sex thing. I feel that I should be appalled but to say so would be a big fat lie.

So. Do I have to turn in my license or what? Am I kidding myself here? I mean, the body does what it does, right?

In any event run do not walk to your nearest DVD venue and pick up seasons 1 and 2 of True Blood. You’ll see what I mean.

@TheLesbianMafia thinks CSA is funny

Wow, talk about not getting it. Talk about billinh yourself as “politically Savvy” and thinking jokes about child sexual abuse are okay to tweet to your 22,000 followers, who have of course RT’d you.

These chicks last weekend told a joke about not taking candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride. Obvious association to child sexual abuse, right? When it came across my tweetstream on that day I sent them a response to the effect that I’m sure you mean no harm but CSA is never funny. A few hours later an RT on the joke came across my stream from a complete stranger. I blew up, telling @TheLesbianMafia that people are RTing them, that they should know better than to promote tolerance of these horrid crimes by joking about it. I asked them to delete the message and told them for shame you have a responsibility to not continue to proliferate a culture in which making light of CSA is acceptable. I said you know better. Which, if they are “politically savvy”, they should know better. For shame. I sent the link to my blog detailing the impact of their actions on me. Every couple of days I’ve been saying you can apologize any time now….

Today I received a note from Unfollowr telling me that they had unfollowed me. No apology no fuck you, no nothing. Apparently they stand by their commitment to make light of child sexual abuse and think nothing of letting their followers spread their toxic beliefs.

I suppose I was not really surprised that they unfollowed me. Some people are unable to take responsibility for their actions. I expect this kind of toxic thing from pedophiles, from men. From people who are into perpetuating rape culture in this society. But I did not expect this from them.

I suppose it’s not fair to adjudge “politically savvy” people to a higher standard than for the population at large. But not from my own people. Not from people who position themselves in the ways they do. Now that I know they’re not going to take responsibility for their actions I am going to block them. I don’t need people in my life who joke about the loss of my childhood, about child sexual abuse. But it still pisses me off that now I have to work that tiny bit more to undo the damage they’ve caused by propping up the notion that it’s funny, that it’s not real, that child sexual abuse is somehow something to be laughed away. But this is not over. Bitches.

Gays pay $36B more in tax

Per the us census bureau for 2003 there are 57,320,000 households in the US. if 12% of Americans are gay, that’s 6,878,400 gay households. Per worldsalaries.org, in 2005 the average individual gross income is $42,028.

Per the IRS, single persons w/one exemption paid monthly on this income pay $4860 in annual federal income tax. Under the same assumptions, also for 2010, married persons pay $2208 in fed tax.

Which is a variance of $2208 per individual and $4416 per household.

When you do the math of $4416 per household x 6,878,400 gay households you come up with $30,375,034,400. More tax that gays pay.

I think I am going to be sick.

LATER. I was invited to review my math. The delta between single-deduction for singles vs married is actually $5304. W/extrapolation out on # oh gay households (vs singles) is actually $36,483,033,000.

Took my Girlfriend to Prom:1978

Okay. So a young lesbian in Mississippi wants to bring her girlfriend to the prom. The school fights back, in the immortal stupidity inherent in the Deep South. They cancel Prom altogether. They also contend that it’s against school policy for a girl to wear a tux on school grounds, which is appareny what the girlfriend wants to wear.

This young Lesbian is suing the school for her right to take her lovey to the Prom. Brave kid, bu I just cannot understand what is happening in this situation.

In 1977 and 1978 I took my girlfriends to the prom. Once we both wore dresses and once my girlfriend wore a tux. I had come out publicly in I believe 1972 of so, when I was 12. At both dances we received abit of crap from drunken football players but that’s about it. We were not the only gay couple there and it was just not an issue.

This took place in the hyper-affluent suburbs of Chicago. So yes, Jim Crow was never a tradition there. There was no black polling, no burning crosses no lynchings. Being socially liberal was what one aspired to.

But let’s face it. That was 30 years ago. So the state of Mississippi is 30 years behind? More like 100 years, folks. I recently saw a documentary about this town in Alabama where they were having a “mixed” prom for the first time in 2008. What was the “mix”? White and black students together in one prom. No segregation.

I will admit that I really dos not have a white-hot desire to go to my Proms. But I did have a burning desire to make a solid potical stand and lef’s face if, get laid at the end of the party hah

I just do not understand this st all. How backward some areas of our nation truly truly are. Big kudos for that babydyke from the land where segregation is kept to a minimum. My heart goes out to her!

Not Just My Illness

I was reading a recent blogpost from Pandora the other day and it has stuck with me. With her permission I am going to talk about other things about me than my mental illness. In other words totally stealing her very inspirational message.

Pandora tells that she is alot of things, not jus her mental struggles. And she is totally right. I started thinking wouldn’t it be great if everybody I follow were to do this affirming message. So. Here’s me.

I am a woman, a lesbian, just turned 50 which is freaking me out abit. I have been monogamously involved with a marvel of a woman for 17 years. We’d been going out for 2 years when I got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. She said yes thank god. It was a very crowded restaurant, on Valentine’s Day. Some people hissed and booed but because we live in Chicago’s gay ghetto most applauded. This was in 1995, when gays just didn’t marry yet. We had around 80 guests. Rented a small bowling alley with an open bar and got thoroughly trashed. The local gay radio station interviewed us by phone in the airport the next morning as we went to Provincetown for 2 weeks for the honeymoon.

Our relationship has been severely tested by my mental illness but we survive by celebrating life whenever we can.

I have 3 cats. I am a dog psychologist which also means a people psychologist. Ivy League schooling.

I am the first member of a very large extended family who was notarried in Maine. My parents are from the same hyper-rural town in northern Maine. They’re cousins which is not odd in remote areas.

I have a 142 IQ. very very intelligent, which I try hard to hide. I qualified to enter Dartmouth when I was thirteen but parents did not allow it.

My wife is the breadwinner as I am able to work part-time. Having my own business fits well.

I have one sister to whom I have no connection whatsoever. She’s 4 years older than I and our paths just never met. She is extremely talented on the violin.

My mother was a nutjob. Very abusive. They used to leave me alone for weeks at a time, no way to get ahold of them, when I was 10 years old.

I live in a very large urban city that I love for about ten days in the spring and ten days in the fall. Otherwise the weather’s just atrocious.

I am a radical feminist politically speaking. When I was a teenager I began to march and yell and was heavily into the fight for domestic abuse. And gay rights, of course.

I came out to my aunt when I was 5, and to the resp of the world when I was I think about 12years old. Nobody was surprised. Being a lesbian and something of intolerance for discrimination of any kind is the most of my self-concept.

I am an Impressionist painter and have sold a few of my paintings/mosaic works. I have a multiple-colored rendition of my favorite Van Gogh painting on my back.

My family, both sides, were sent across the ocean from Wales and northern Ireland. This was in the late 1600’s. So yes I’ve been American for well over 300 years. It’s unusual. I believe one of them stole sheep and the other was a murderer.

I spent much of my youth on my step-grandad’s farm. Working. Milking cows turning out horses. Slipping pigs and gathering eggs from alot of mean chickens.

I am not a sports fan. I was that kid who was always picked. Excepting bombardment where I was just too littleand fast.

I was valedictorian of my high-school class of 825.

I pay absolutely no attention to the way I look. Avoid mirrors all the time.

I love to skydive and snorkel in the sea. Have a house on the midcoast of Maine. It’s just a stunningly gorgeous place. Very haunted. If you don’t believe in ghosts you are wrong.

In terms of domestic politics I am a Democrat liberal. As one pretty much has to be if they are a member of any minority in this country. Conservatives here are just horrible people.

I don’t watch scary movies or those cartoony things from Disney or whatever. I mostly am interested in films of the thirties and forties. Katharine Hepburn and Bette Davis still rock my world.

I drive a beatup Honda civic that is even years old. It won’t doe so I plan on keeping it until it falls apart.

I am a total femme in the sack, but I love it when I can be the do-er. That is fun!

I care little for material positions. I grew up in a very, very affluent home environment that my mother stocked full of stuff. I just really don’t care about so much. However if you try to take my iPhone away from me I will fight you to the death for it.

I am a Tibetan Buddhist. Mostly absent Dad took us to all kinds of worship, from snake handlers to Scientology to Hari Krishna.

I remember almost nothing about my life. I piece together relevant splinters and fill in the gaps with details of highest probability.

If there was one thing I would change about my life it would be to have never been born.

My grandfather killed my mom’s brother and his family then came to live with us for awhile. Weirdness.

My favorite uncle worked for the CIA, illegally blowing up locations in Laos and Cambodia. When the Pentagon Papers came out he had his identity scrubbed by our government and went to work on the Alaska pipeline for several years. I still have the three foot elephant that was given to him by the man who was President of Vietnam for a few days when Saigon fell.

I went to the prom with my girlfriend in 1978. Some cheered and some booed. I’ve been arrested for holding my girlfriend’s hand in public.

I am totally committed to my healing process. I am not afraid of it.

I was #1in State in Debate as first negative, the captain of the team. I have rowed in the Head of the Charles and thrown up over the side of the boat when the race was over.

I have not had a drink or done any non-prescription drugs for just over 7 years.

I ran triathlon at the GY Olympics in Amsterdam in 1998 and did not come in last. 15,000 people participated, just an amazing time. I have been to all 48 contiguous states.

I was high and drunk and tripping on LSD for pretty much my entire undergrad studies. My fuck buddy Susan B was a very bad influence on me hah.

Which I guess pretty much sums me up. Oh yeah, I am an Aquarian and am in menopause, which is great.

The End

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