DADT Rant

Last week a huge civil rights victory was won by gay and leabians in the US ofA. Gays can now serve openly in the military. We can fight and be brojen and injured and killed for their countey and they can be gay too.

I have heard alot of slamming of Bill Clintin for having put this…custom…into place. And quite frankly it really pisses me off.

Have many vwterans been kicked out for being gay? Been injured and killed by thwur fellows for it? Lost life carers because of it? Yes, absolutely.

But for those of us who were around when DADT was adopted remember the context in history at that time and we should never forget it.

Whar DADT did was to eliminate the direct question on the recruiters’ interviews. No more are u a homosexual yes then get the hell out of my office. It was a huge, huge victory for all of us, not only thos who wished to serve and who were gay.

Were we as a minority satisfied with this policy? No. But it was a very, very impprtant step, shifting the military’s priorities and policies one step closer.

I recall very vividly Bill Clinton’s first week in office. Don’t recall what it was about exactly but it was a positive report on the issue of homosexuality. Wow. I recall being blown away that we were in the paper for something other than the freak-show that was Chicago’s Gay Pride Parade at the time.

I remember thinking wow, can we actually be visible? It’s impossible to fight when ypu’re invisible. Bill Clinton made the world aware that there was a gay community in this country. Which has set up the honest conflicys we are blessed to be fighting today.

Was Bill Clintin the perfect President? No. Of course not. Was he a scuzzball? Very likely. But in taking off the direct question are you or have u ever been a homosexual, he took the first major step towards equality.

So don’t rant on Bill Clinton for establishing DADT until ypu have the historical context. It was a miracle at the time.

Marriage: A Rant

Ok. Enough is enough. I am so tired of Marriage and Couples’ Counselors who toss around the word Marriage and talk of it in glowing terms, as something to improve upon, to fix. As if it’s a goal to be attained and sustained.

I get it. I get that few Marriage counselors want to deal with gay couples. If they did they wouldn’t offend us with the use of that word. I don’t believe that the dynamics of most monogamous gay/lesbian couples are really all that different from straight ones.

But when a therapist bandies abput the word Marriage s/he is furthering our invisibility, the cold hard cruel fact that gays are excluded from the collective rights inherent in the legal marriage status.

Marriage is not just a romantic statement that two people are committing to each other for better and for worse. Monogamy.

Marriage is a LEGAL contract. It gives financial reward from the IRS. It defines Power of Attorney. It defines Next of Kin status so that if one partner is in the hospital the other can’t be denied access to their hospital room. In the case of death of one partner it allows the living partner the right to make decisions regarding what to do with the body. It allows partners the right to make decisions regarding long-term and end-term health facilities. It allows for shared property.

This nation has decided time after time that gay people don’t get to have these basic rights. It’s nationally-recognized Hate Crime. Don’t kid yourself, this has nothing to do with what’s in the Bible or the Torah or the Koran. It is active Hate.

So. When a Marriage/couples’ Therapist tosses about the word Marriage and expects that the may have something relevant to say to me–they are spitting in my face and in the eye of every gay/lesbian couple that’s in a committed monogamous relationship.

Again. I am not saying here that These therapists should all see gay couples as well as straight ones. I would personally never see a straight therapist. But it really pisses me off when these people toss around the M word and say when they’re called on it that it’s just semantics. That the vocabulary they’ve chosen could just as easily be any other word.

I suppose i expect from the mental health community that they should be aware of these basic civil rights issues. If they don’t want gay clients–AGAIN–they don’t have to have them. But i DO expect that if they are going to toss the M word around that they take responsibility for their behavior. That they are endorsing national Hate Crime.

Don’t tell me that the word “Marriage” could just as easily be ANY other word. Because that is hypocritical and irresponsible. Get yourself enough cojones to admit your sanction of Hate Crime. It’s your choice. If you’re gonna make it take responsibility for your decisions. Don’t minimalize active discrimination.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Communication in Change

I have been in an absolute mess of a monogamous relationship for years now. We have had good breaks in here and there but basically it has been a nightmare.

It did not really matter all that much when I did not see that I have any value. Disposable, a waste of the oxygen I breathe. I spent over a decade just trying tomstay alive. There was not much room foe anything else in my life.

And as I begin to awaken to my life, to truly getting to live and laugh and experience–the damage that’s been wrought on my relationship is abundantly clear. Many things are not okay. I’ve been pissed off at my partner, sure she’s not going to be able to let go enough to give me some room.

So. She had a complete meltdown on minutes before my leaving for therapy. By the time I got to C I was livid. I notched for probably 35 minutes. All kinds of rage.

Then C as she can do says “I’m listening to you and I can’t tell what parts are your wife being too controlling and you being too passive.”

Bang. You mean that I can possibly be responsible for my life, for the relationships I have in it? You mean that communication might be possible? You mean that I might be able to talk and listen and talk about things that are starting to matter to me?

So wifey and I have been talking and it has been quite a learning experience. I understand her shit much better and I am letting her into mine. Which is intidaring and frightening and valuable at the same time.

I am very cautious. Wife is very cautious. We both have good reasons to be so. But a tiny bit at a time I am investing in something. I am investing in my relationship and that’s just huge.

T r. U. S t.

Is Proud Really Necessary?

It’s Gay Pride weekend here in Chicago and it is a big, big deal. There maybe up to a million and a half people watching the big parade on Sunday by conservative estimates. There have been festivals and dances and singers and performers all month. There’s a big street festival in the lesbian ghetto tomorrow. Everybody dusts off their most outlandish behavior and just goes nuts.

It didn’t used to be this way. I went to see my first Pride Parade in 1976. Police arrested people for lewd behavior/public drunkenness/whateveredness just because they could. There were a couple of crappy little floats from big bars. It was over in 1/2 hour. People were afraid to go back in those days what if somebody sees me? Well, they’re there too right??? But whatever. People still had slot of fear of being out of the closet.

I was arrested one year for holding my fuck-buddy’s hand. I was involved in a big riot one year when a cop arrested several leather guys for something I don’t even recall. The demonstration went all the way around the cop station.

Newspaper coverage used to be atrocious. The day after the parade there would inevitably be a front page slam of the event, complete with a picture of two guys humping or some especially odd drag queen stunt.

It used to mean big big trouble to be out of the closet or to be outed. Job/family losses, shame..well you know. And yetthe costs of living a lie were just as grave if not moreso.

I think back on those days and I suppose I can be proud of the activism of those first few of us who refused to be intimidated and who were able to do the activism work to start the acceptance ball rolling. All minorities need to fight their battles for acceptance.

As I look at DADT and the unhappy state of the Marriage fight I have to wonder if perhaps it’s time for us to return to that old-school fight. Yell more, get arrested more. Dmarch more. We are trying to reason with the unreasonable Nd it just is not working.

We need to be out. We need to be visible. We need to create a ruckus. Old-school.

I was in AA for 2 years or so after I quit drinking/drugging. It seemed to me that these people who were going for five years, ten years, fifteen…..were still alcoholics but who just weren’t engaging in the behavior. They were fundamentally defining themselves as beings connected to alcohol. Which was really just not the case for me.

I suppose that is how I feel about being a “Proud” lesbian. I don’t think I should have to be proud of who I am
Any more than I should make it a point to be proud of my many many many freckles. Or of the fact that I have three cats.

But I have to be Proud. Because I am a part of a minority that is being denied basic civil rights I have to keep the fight going. I have to have a gay flag on my car. I have to put hashtags on my tweets. I have to stand up and be counted. Because somebody else out there feels that they cannot and somebody needs to fight the fight for them.

I am proud of my part in the fight I suppose. That I insist people deal with me. Proud of how far my city has come.

But I’d really prefer to be able to just be me, to be proud of Stonewall and the history of my people. But not especially of my life now.

Feels like CLICK! Me too

As you very likely know if you’re reading me, I really really like my new therapist (C). I’ve been recently dumped by a big control and issue-laden therapist so I feel a need to be very cautious. But I want to do a little sing-and-dance thing when I leave every week.

C is the first therapist I’ve ever had who’s said outright I’ve got news for ga I’m can’t save your ass. She says that my life is mine. Huh. My life is mine? Only I can be my own savior? Huh.

Before C came into my life I saw every therapist/shring/psychoanalyst as The One who would save me. It made sense to me, this paradigm. A specific individual, my primary perpetrator, had been responsible for the horrors of my childhood after all. But when somebody else saves me, it is their success not mine. Not what I want.

I want to save myself. I love that I have a coach a cheerleader a helper. Someone to suggest things to me and let me figure out what it means. In fact, she will see me once a week. When we decided that we could go forward she said you need to see me once a week, no more. You need time to process the things we talk about without undue influence from me. Not that I won’t be here for you in tough places occasionally or on a more regular basis for awhile if you need it. But you need to get that this your life belongs to you. That you’re not a victim that you can learn boundaries that you are an adul woman and you have control over your life.

And she is right. I asked her when i saw her on Monday what it will take for me to truly get that I am not that victimized little kid. She said bits and pieces. She said by not overloading by not working too hard in therapy or outside it. Little tiny bits.

C says that it’s her job to get to know me and to stop me when I get too far. And she does it already.

I was telling C that I Am working out again, after having been off due to mystery illness for two months. I was talking about how cut off from my body I can be. Totally. She says really I said yes and started talking about how as a kid I (said) I suffered major nerve damage to the clit and have always had these horridly painful clit orgasms. I didn’t say that I was a victim of circumcision. Anyway I continued to blather on anbout how I thus learned way early to block out intense physical pain.

Then I found myself talking about sex in my current relationship. She asked a few questions and I reached a place where I guess I just wandered off. I suddenly heard her say you have gone away from me so I’m not going to ask you about this anymore and we’re going to talk about something else now. So you can come back.

There have been three or four things like this, I’ll be talking or spacing out or something and she’ll say wow you are totally blocking me right now stop and breathe for a minute you’re working too hard. Or ok that’s enough for now tell me what you did this weekend. Tell me how’s your new car. Tell me how meditation’s going. What’s your favorite color? Etc etc

I love this. I feel like I don’t have to fall into miasma of pain that come to me, hoping that if I do this re-traumatizarion over and over and over that I will finally “figure it out”.

I have been given permission to use coping skills to clamber out of my hellholes. That that in fact is what I’m supposed to do. And it’s totally working. My health is returning. I am
Able to be social albeit in tiny bits. I can have fun and it’s okay. It’s really really cool.

This past Monday near the end of our time C asked mw how I thought it was going so far. I instantly said really great. I said I feel so empowered I feel like a CLICK! that I’ve never felt before. C smiled and said wow that’s so cool man. I said how do you feel about it she nodded and said yeah I think so too. I said this is really groovy and she said yeah.

This woman tells me how it is. She’s honest and straight and she tells me like it is. She calls me on my bullshit. She’s there for me and she is doing so by letting me be me. Not by giving and withholding attention or honesty. But by letting me figure out myself.

I told C that she’s the first therapist I’ve ever seen who I’m not afraid of. She says why be afraid of a dyke cheerleader? And then we hugged goodbye.

I need to be cautious. I need to go slowly. I need to learn how to cope. If we never get to the traumatic stuff, I do not really care. I know enough. C says you know enough to give yourself permission to heal. Is that what I am doing? Yup it is. One tiny bit at a time.

Sing a little song. Dance a little jig for CLICK

Cool therapy

I have this weirdest thing with my new therapist. It’s like CLICK! She not only totally gets me, so far anyway, but she let’s me know it. She tells me to stop talking about something that’s revving me up and am not even aware of it. She says ok right now you need to stop and do some qu gong. Or jus stop and rest for a minute you’re going too deep. Yesterday she asked me how I can maintain such tight bonds with so many of you and can’t have the most minor acquaintanships face-to-face. I was starting to think about it and she goes Wow you cannot block me any more than you are doing right now. Really am I? She says yeah and instantly contorts herself into a complex little knot. I looked down at myself and that’s exactly what I looked like. I laughed, she said ok that’s obviously a question that’s too hard just now. So why were you blocking me what ois hard about the question? I squirmed about abit before the answer came to me. She then says okay, rest a minute. After abit she says ok youncan come
Back you’re way out there. I promise I won’t ask you about this anymore. Again, not even aware I was going away. I said no, lemme collect my shit here. She let me talk for a minute or two then said okay you’ve worked hard enough for now. What did you do this weekend?

It’s all about pacing. It’s all about taking it in tiny little bits at a time. It’s about giving myself permission to heal. Permission to heal. It’s about coming to understand that my life belongs to me. Scary.

I was showing C a drawing I’d done about how I perceive life. She says wow you are really, really powerless in your life, aren’t you? I mean, how you perceive yourself? Wow!

I said yeah I am totally a victim she said no powerless. You were a victim and the powerless feeling is a remnant but you haven’t been a victim in a long time. Yes. I said it’s incredible how when flaming shit happens to little kids how deep it sticks. C looked me in the eye and said yeah it is. I said I know my self-perceptions and fear of people etc. is the view of a young broken kid but it doesn’t matter. Weird.

At this point C just says yeah it’s amazing how it sticks. There’s quiet for a second, then she says so have you named your car yet?

C is not interested in my story really, says at least not now. She says if you’re interested in it after a long time I will be very interested in it too. I said at this point I don’t really know that I need to know the rest. The tiniest perspective. I bad to jump in, get myself sopping wet with it then fall completely apart. C says yeah, what more do you need to know? I said yeah I mean I was even prostituted out, awful. C holds up her hand stop. You have worked too hard.

Then C says something that knocks my socks off. She says you say you don’t need to know any more details? That’s permission to heal. That’s what I was talking about. I said ouch that freaks me out she says yes I know close your eyes and breathe for a sec. She says okay you can think about that with me later but it’s true whether you think about it or not. I said is that why the borders between the alters are melting? Yup. Totally. That’s fucking sweet she says.

C’s priority for me is to first be able to cope with my day-to-day life. It’s about functioning at higher and higher levels. Right now she’s not even really interested in my primary relationship. Right now she’s totally focused on getting to know my mind. How and what I think. Why comes later.

Near the end of our time C says ok here are your takeaways from today. There are two. Write them down. Work on them
When you can. When you can’t or you are stuck–go do something else. I’d you get scared–stop. If you feel like you want to fall into wherever flaming fuck–stop.

My jobs this week are two. First, check in with myself often to see if I am here. Or if I’ve floAted away. Engage my senses, which I do anyway. I have no idea really how to do this. But I will keep shooting for it to get the hang of things.

My other takeaway is to figure out where to put all of you in my sphere of closeness. So many of you mean so much to me. My job is to figure out how I have let so many people in my life and not had the fear. I think I get this already. Because I am totally honest here. So I i can with C’s help figure y’all out in my life….obvious extension.

C calls me on my shit. When I don’t even know I’m full of it. She doesn’t fuck around. And she’s a total dyke like me and I don’t mind saying that’s just so nice. Near the end she asked me what I was doing tonight I said well watching the Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup. She said ah yeah right. I said yeah all that sports, you know my wife, who knows maybe I’ll get lucky. So great–she didn’t ask me about it, explain what I meant, ask me questions about me sex life. Just laughed. Common understanding. Nice.

It wasn’t until I got to my car ten minutes later that we hugged on my way out the door. With every other shrink/therapist I’ve had in my dozen or so years of nuttiness, the hug thing has always been a gigantic issue. Tiresome. But this just was. Just–fine. Like she’s
Not afraid of me. Like the woman has faith in me.

Last week when we were setting up a permanent slot for me I said so..how often am I coming do you think? C looks me right in the eye and says for you once a week. I want you to have time to think about and deal with things we talk about without undue influence from me. She said this is your life hon. I will be around when you’re having a hard time once in awhile or for a long time o course I will be here for you for that. At such times you can see me every day if you want to. But for now, you need to understand that your life belongs to you. Without me doing the thinking for you.

Man. I am still very gun shy after the last wingnut. So I still have a piece of wary inside me. And that’s okay. But I gotta say that this feels like what I should have been doing all along.

True Blood/Straight Porn

If anyone has seen the I believe it’s HBO’s vampire series True Blood you will know exactly what I’m saying. It’s this story about how blood was bottled by the Japanese and this caused the Vampire community to Come Out of the Closet so to speak because there was no longer a need for them
To feed. Sounds gross or sci-fi ish but that’s really not what the story’s about.

There are all kinds of non-human entities walking the Earth. Shape shifter who can become whatever animal they want at-will. There are people who can read other humans’ minds. There are handmaidens of Dionysus who are up to all kinds of bizarre trouble. Some of these beings have been around for thousands of years.

The plotline of this story has more twists turns and weird, weird events than Twin Peaks, if anybody out there remembers how bizarre that show was. You just never know what is going to happen from minute to minute.

Buttbere is one thing that you know will always be a big part of the story. Plenty plenty plenty of gorgeous bodies and lots and lots of sex. I’ve seen no bestiality which is a plus but one guy did fuck a pine tree. Yes. That is what I said.

Wifey had been told about this show from somewhere and it was on On Demand so one night we dialed it up. Ho lee cow. Wifey was instantly attracted to the weirdness of it all, the vampire mythology and thenconstant surprises. I was hooked on the sex.

I have slept with three men in my life voluntarily. All were buddies and I just wanted to see what it was like. This was in college and shortly thereafter. I don’t know why and was extremely drunk and high every time. All I can say is that it is REALLY not my thing. They all said I was the best lay ever whatever and that probably had less to do with me personally and more that they were doing a lesbian. Or maybe because as a lesbian I have a rather broader interpretation of sex than the great majority, I dunno. Anyway I found it strange, unnatural and really rather boring.

So. If I am not into men sexually and it seems so mildly distasteful to me, then why do I get totally turned on watching this show? To be sure there’s suggestion aplenty of gay sex but as always the most filmtime is taken up with straight sex.

I think it’s the noises. Typically the women who are getting laid are a very noisy group overall. Also you can see their faces and bodies react. Hotcha mama.

Or maybe it’s just all those gorgeous bodies. I have never been physically attracted to any man, but a hot bod as long as it’s in pants is a hot bod.

So far I’ve seen one very brief blip of full frontal male
Nudity, ewwwwww. Most of the nudity and there’s quite abit of it, partial or full, is of women. Typically again. I suppose that is what gets me going.

I feel guilty. I feel that there is something wrong with me that I find myself totally turned on by this show. Like I should be turning in my lesbian license card or something. It’s just all so luscious and cinematographically sumptuous.

Lesbian pornography, I mean the real thing by women/for women gets me going. Your majority of for-men porn really doesn’t turn me on, although the boob factor is a plus.

And then of course there are the political ramifications of
Indulging in any form of pornography at all. Lesbian porn is okay with me because I trust (maybe naively) that the gals are doing it because they want to. I trust that the lesbian bookstore that carries most of this stuff wouldn’t sell any production of any kind that involved any form of usury. With the male porn out there one never knows so I obviously steer clear politically as well as from lack of interest.

But it’s an interesting question, bow I blip past the men who are doing their part of the straight sex thing. I feel that I should be appalled but to say so would be a big fat lie.

So. Do I have to turn in my license or what? Am I kidding myself here? I mean, the body does what it does, right?

In any event run do not walk to your nearest DVD venue and pick up seasons 1 and 2 of True Blood. You’ll see what I mean.

C

Yesterday I asked somebody if they’d be my new therapist. Based on how beat up I was with the last issue-riddled T I was very afraid. So exposed, all those trust issues exacerbated.

I first saw the woman last week. Felt this click. That I could say my truths and she was tough enough to take it and had good enough boundaries to not let her shit get stomped all over me.
So, her name is C. She has a wii and is a total dyke which I really like. I know it shouldn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman or what their religion is or what cultural
Background they come from. But it does. I know that this woman, who’s my age-ish, has been thru the hatred and the pre-Stonewall days and that we have similar interests. It shouldn’t matter but it is great. Also she’s involved in a really cool hospice program for gays here. Also she is involved with the psych hospital I’ll likely be going to at some point here they have a gay wing and it’s always good to have connections there.

Yesterday I said I had decided to not interview other people that if she’d have me I wanted to see her. She said so no interviewing other people what happened to that? I said I really just don’t want to.

We talked for some time about old T. About how messed up I had gotten and how afraid I was of her. She said if you were afraid of her why did you stay? I said good question I do’t know then went aroundabout this big looping thing, I did that w/my last shrink, was afraid of her and stayed over a decade. Blah blah wandering mind heard myself say I aS thinking it was abou the person and not the Process. Tell me more about that. Well, I thought of them both as being the only person who could help me. Go on. I guess..I wish I knew I guess, well I guess I wanted both of them to save me. Yuck that’s not too flattering hah. But that is it. Looking for the savior I didn’t have as a kid.

C looks at me, waiting. Said but if I am looking for somebody to save me then it doesn’t belong to me, I have to be my own savior. Right?

C says well I will tell you right now that I can’t save your ass. I said no for the first time just now I get this. C says I know. I say shouldn’t I have seen this before why am I seeing this so clearly only now? C says you know when you know.

How cool. Csays new realizations, learning! I love that! Laughs. Makes me laugh. How cool is this.

C then says okay enough just file that away for now. What did you do this week? Well mostly floated. Told her ant my safe house in Maine she says how cool is that it’s not a bad thing to dissociate there if you need to. Say yeah, right? Yeah.

C says did you do anything with friends? Friends locally you mean I have none. I don’t know that I have ever really had a friend. C says ok so let’s talk about that why is that? I’m afraid of people they hypervivilance in me says it’s just a matter of time before I get totally fucked. Even by wifey, 16 years together is irrelevant. C says so everybody is out to get you? Who do you trust te most? Nobody. Eyebrows go up nobody not your partner even? Well, her as much as I can, but that’s really not much.

C says I want to draw you a diagram. It’s a series of circles. I’m in the center and maybe a person or two, she draws x’s. Then a bugger circle around that one more x’s these are people who aen’g as close but still quite so. Another larger circle more x’s then another. She says this is your life and how you create safety for yourself. YOU control which circle a given individual belongs in mpeople canmove back and forth if that is what you want to feel safe. As relationships change people clime clorse or go farther away from your inner circle. That is how it works.

I say wow, really? Fascinated. So I do this, I decide who goes where? Me? Yes. At this point we are right next to one another. Physical space not an issue hmmmm…

I keep repeating the same thing. Say it doesn’t work at all like that I am in the middle of a tight little circle with huge walls and anybody can get in and destroy me at any time.

C says I know that’s how it works for you. Try thinking about it this way though how does that feel? Slot less fearful if Incan pull it off. Safe, it feels safe. Like i am in control.

C says I know that’s how I works for you. You’re throwing out the baby w/the bathsater yes I know. But I don’t have to keep doing that? No you don’t.

Relief is peeling off me. Say I am listening to my head what’s it saying lots stuff. Like what? Well, you’re an idiot for never getting this before. Like this is really cool like this is so scary like being in control that’s slot of responsibility. C says yeah thaf’sabout right for you to be thinking.

Then she says okay enough for now. She says this is how we affect change in your life. Tiny bits at a time like this one.

So we talk about what may be some social opportunities until I say I am getting scared and C says okay, no more about that then. Just let it sit there, think about the possibility in living in another way. For now just let it rest there. I say hah I see a painting coming on C says how cool yeah do a painting or two about this then lemme see it. I’d be fascinated to know what that looks like.

We’re mostly out of time now. C says so you want go see me again? Do you think you can work with me yes of course otherwise I wouldn’t differ to do so. Coolness. I just love this direct thing.

I say so how do we do this how often? Here C says an incredible thing. She says of course we can change this later and of course i will be available of something’s going on. But for you I think it’s important for you to have time to think about what we talk about without undue influence from me. This is your life and if you see me more often than once a week you’ll never get the distance to do so.

Wow. This chick so gets me. I said that makes really just so much sense to me C says well I’m glad. I say I havenever celf this click w/any professional, shensays that’s good well maybe we’ll get lucky.

Chitchat about my new tatoo. Time to go she stands up shakes my hand. Which for now is just fine.

Amazing. Man I hope that this one works.

Alters Speak: Possible new T

I am going to go off where I go when my various alters wish to speak. I’ll probably be co-conscious but will stay out of their way.

My name is red and I am five years old. I was the first o e to talk to old T. The adults say I can’t talk about her but yesterday we met soMebody new and I want to talk abou that. Her name is C. She is a dyke and I lime that because she is like the adults and I like girls to ao that is good. She said that her job is to get to know us so she can tell us to stop when we are going down a wrong road or It is too much. I think that is a very good thing. I know what it is like here sort of and I know that it is too much for alot of them to handle. C asked what we did the past two days. She asked what our favorite wii game is. She told us about disability and that that would be a good thing. When we were talking once she said no more about kids do your qi gong now I want to see. She said we will go very slowly because somebody said they were afraid of their life. I liked that we can decide when to work hard but mostly not so much for awhile. I wantto see other people but I like this one alot better.

I am seven. I am all beat up and I don’t talk so much but I hurt alot alot. I am very scared and this one says it’s gonna be up to me to talk if I ever do. I like that because I do not want to talk.

We are the teenagers. We did not like the last one. We feel more in control with this new possible one. She says it’s her job to keep us all from going too nuts. That we can all go as slowly as we want to and that suits us fine. We are a mess and we are just too beaten and bloody. We don’t want anybody to see us. Plus the adults say we’re whiny teenagers and they can go screw off.

I am little. I like new one. New one is strong and no crazy like mommy or that other one. She’s nice. And she knows.

I am the one who was prostituted out. I ammnever going to tell my story again. All it did was hurt parts from when that other one did not care.

We are the littles. We are a bunch. Bad T didn’t know us she was scary what she said and what she did was not the same. We do not want to see anybody ever again but dr P says they have to and so. We just want to be quiet and watch for a long time to wait and see.

I am the Weaver. I used to be in charge of who or what came and went but I was dismantled without any replacement and it was utter chaos. Good riddance. I am
In no rush to talk and it’s appealing to me that I won’t be forced to.

I am Central. I am a coordinator of sorts. I spoke with old T alot and frankly that experience has really wounded me. I’m a big girl about it but my feelings have still been crushed and I’m in no mood to go jumping into anything right away. What is appealing to me about possible C is that she has a strong presence and from initial impression she will be able to help stabilize things.

Okay, I’m exhausted. That’s enough for now. It’s a good sign that the alters have pretty much agreed that possible new C is a major potential.

@TheLesbianMafia thinks CSA is funny

Wow, talk about not getting it. Talk about billinh yourself as “politically Savvy” and thinking jokes about child sexual abuse are okay to tweet to your 22,000 followers, who have of course RT’d you.

These chicks last weekend told a joke about not taking candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride. Obvious association to child sexual abuse, right? When it came across my tweetstream on that day I sent them a response to the effect that I’m sure you mean no harm but CSA is never funny. A few hours later an RT on the joke came across my stream from a complete stranger. I blew up, telling @TheLesbianMafia that people are RTing them, that they should know better than to promote tolerance of these horrid crimes by joking about it. I asked them to delete the message and told them for shame you have a responsibility to not continue to proliferate a culture in which making light of CSA is acceptable. I said you know better. Which, if they are “politically savvy”, they should know better. For shame. I sent the link to my blog detailing the impact of their actions on me. Every couple of days I’ve been saying you can apologize any time now….

Today I received a note from Unfollowr telling me that they had unfollowed me. No apology no fuck you, no nothing. Apparently they stand by their commitment to make light of child sexual abuse and think nothing of letting their followers spread their toxic beliefs.

I suppose I was not really surprised that they unfollowed me. Some people are unable to take responsibility for their actions. I expect this kind of toxic thing from pedophiles, from men. From people who are into perpetuating rape culture in this society. But I did not expect this from them.

I suppose it’s not fair to adjudge “politically savvy” people to a higher standard than for the population at large. But not from my own people. Not from people who position themselves in the ways they do. Now that I know they’re not going to take responsibility for their actions I am going to block them. I don’t need people in my life who joke about the loss of my childhood, about child sexual abuse. But it still pisses me off that now I have to work that tiny bit more to undo the damage they’ve caused by propping up the notion that it’s funny, that it’s not real, that child sexual abuse is somehow something to be laughed away. But this is not over. Bitches.

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