DADT Rant

Last week a huge civil rights victory was won by gay and leabians in the US ofA. Gays can now serve openly in the military. We can fight and be brojen and injured and killed for their countey and they can be gay too.

I have heard alot of slamming of Bill Clintin for having put this…custom…into place. And quite frankly it really pisses me off.

Have many vwterans been kicked out for being gay? Been injured and killed by thwur fellows for it? Lost life carers because of it? Yes, absolutely.

But for those of us who were around when DADT was adopted remember the context in history at that time and we should never forget it.

Whar DADT did was to eliminate the direct question on the recruiters’ interviews. No more are u a homosexual yes then get the hell out of my office. It was a huge, huge victory for all of us, not only thos who wished to serve and who were gay.

Were we as a minority satisfied with this policy? No. But it was a very, very impprtant step, shifting the military’s priorities and policies one step closer.

I recall very vividly Bill Clinton’s first week in office. Don’t recall what it was about exactly but it was a positive report on the issue of homosexuality. Wow. I recall being blown away that we were in the paper for something other than the freak-show that was Chicago’s Gay Pride Parade at the time.

I remember thinking wow, can we actually be visible? It’s impossible to fight when ypu’re invisible. Bill Clinton made the world aware that there was a gay community in this country. Which has set up the honest conflicys we are blessed to be fighting today.

Was Bill Clintin the perfect President? No. Of course not. Was he a scuzzball? Very likely. But in taking off the direct question are you or have u ever been a homosexual, he took the first major step towards equality.

So don’t rant on Bill Clinton for establishing DADT until ypu have the historical context. It was a miracle at the time.

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Is Proud Really Necessary?

It’s Gay Pride weekend here in Chicago and it is a big, big deal. There maybe up to a million and a half people watching the big parade on Sunday by conservative estimates. There have been festivals and dances and singers and performers all month. There’s a big street festival in the lesbian ghetto tomorrow. Everybody dusts off their most outlandish behavior and just goes nuts.

It didn’t used to be this way. I went to see my first Pride Parade in 1976. Police arrested people for lewd behavior/public drunkenness/whateveredness just because they could. There were a couple of crappy little floats from big bars. It was over in 1/2 hour. People were afraid to go back in those days what if somebody sees me? Well, they’re there too right??? But whatever. People still had slot of fear of being out of the closet.

I was arrested one year for holding my fuck-buddy’s hand. I was involved in a big riot one year when a cop arrested several leather guys for something I don’t even recall. The demonstration went all the way around the cop station.

Newspaper coverage used to be atrocious. The day after the parade there would inevitably be a front page slam of the event, complete with a picture of two guys humping or some especially odd drag queen stunt.

It used to mean big big trouble to be out of the closet or to be outed. Job/family losses, shame..well you know. And yetthe costs of living a lie were just as grave if not moreso.

I think back on those days and I suppose I can be proud of the activism of those first few of us who refused to be intimidated and who were able to do the activism work to start the acceptance ball rolling. All minorities need to fight their battles for acceptance.

As I look at DADT and the unhappy state of the Marriage fight I have to wonder if perhaps it’s time for us to return to that old-school fight. Yell more, get arrested more. Dmarch more. We are trying to reason with the unreasonable Nd it just is not working.

We need to be out. We need to be visible. We need to create a ruckus. Old-school.

I was in AA for 2 years or so after I quit drinking/drugging. It seemed to me that these people who were going for five years, ten years, fifteen…..were still alcoholics but who just weren’t engaging in the behavior. They were fundamentally defining themselves as beings connected to alcohol. Which was really just not the case for me.

I suppose that is how I feel about being a “Proud” lesbian. I don’t think I should have to be proud of who I am
Any more than I should make it a point to be proud of my many many many freckles. Or of the fact that I have three cats.

But I have to be Proud. Because I am a part of a minority that is being denied basic civil rights I have to keep the fight going. I have to have a gay flag on my car. I have to put hashtags on my tweets. I have to stand up and be counted. Because somebody else out there feels that they cannot and somebody needs to fight the fight for them.

I am proud of my part in the fight I suppose. That I insist people deal with me. Proud of how far my city has come.

But I’d really prefer to be able to just be me, to be proud of Stonewall and the history of my people. But not especially of my life now.

@TheLesbianMafia thinks CSA is funny

Wow, talk about not getting it. Talk about billinh yourself as “politically Savvy” and thinking jokes about child sexual abuse are okay to tweet to your 22,000 followers, who have of course RT’d you.

These chicks last weekend told a joke about not taking candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride. Obvious association to child sexual abuse, right? When it came across my tweetstream on that day I sent them a response to the effect that I’m sure you mean no harm but CSA is never funny. A few hours later an RT on the joke came across my stream from a complete stranger. I blew up, telling @TheLesbianMafia that people are RTing them, that they should know better than to promote tolerance of these horrid crimes by joking about it. I asked them to delete the message and told them for shame you have a responsibility to not continue to proliferate a culture in which making light of CSA is acceptable. I said you know better. Which, if they are “politically savvy”, they should know better. For shame. I sent the link to my blog detailing the impact of their actions on me. Every couple of days I’ve been saying you can apologize any time now….

Today I received a note from Unfollowr telling me that they had unfollowed me. No apology no fuck you, no nothing. Apparently they stand by their commitment to make light of child sexual abuse and think nothing of letting their followers spread their toxic beliefs.

I suppose I was not really surprised that they unfollowed me. Some people are unable to take responsibility for their actions. I expect this kind of toxic thing from pedophiles, from men. From people who are into perpetuating rape culture in this society. But I did not expect this from them.

I suppose it’s not fair to adjudge “politically savvy” people to a higher standard than for the population at large. But not from my own people. Not from people who position themselves in the ways they do. Now that I know they’re not going to take responsibility for their actions I am going to block them. I don’t need people in my life who joke about the loss of my childhood, about child sexual abuse. But it still pisses me off that now I have to work that tiny bit more to undo the damage they’ve caused by propping up the notion that it’s funny, that it’s not real, that child sexual abuse is somehow something to be laughed away. But this is not over. Bitches.

Gays pay $36B more in tax

Per the us census bureau for 2003 there are 57,320,000 households in the US. if 12% of Americans are gay, that’s 6,878,400 gay households. Per worldsalaries.org, in 2005 the average individual gross income is $42,028.

Per the IRS, single persons w/one exemption paid monthly on this income pay $4860 in annual federal income tax. Under the same assumptions, also for 2010, married persons pay $2208 in fed tax.

Which is a variance of $2208 per individual and $4416 per household.

When you do the math of $4416 per household x 6,878,400 gay households you come up with $30,375,034,400. More tax that gays pay.

I think I am going to be sick.

LATER. I was invited to review my math. The delta between single-deduction for singles vs married is actually $5304. W/extrapolation out on # oh gay households (vs singles) is actually $36,483,033,000.

French-nailed Lesbian

I came out to the world as a lesbian in 1976, when I was 16 years old. Had come out to parents and family at five but since I wasn’t all that sexually active before my mid-teens it never really came up.

Back in those days, baby lesbians didn’t really have alot of choice as to gender identification. The only way to get to be around girls in any real, interpersonal way, was thru sports. And certainly it was the only way to get to see them naked. Locker room time was what I was in it for. There was a sort of requirement to be a “tomboy”. To throw and hit various balls in various ways. The better one was at it the more gay one seemed to be.

Frankly, I suck at sporty stuff. But back then it was the only option. So I joined teams. I played softball and golf and rugby and basketball. Well, if one could call me running around trying to not get hit by people or missles really “playing”. But it got me action and so I adapted.

I was fast. As long as I was a le to avoid tripping on my feet my coaches always found a way to use me. Stealing bases and so forth. Hated it.

I went to college in a southern state, where the rules were very different. One could be of three primary camps and you had to decide what you “were” from the get-go. There was Butch (do-er, fix cars, etc). Femme (do-ee, cook and clean the house). And something called ki-ki, where you got to be both a do-er and a do-ee. Which was what I knew and so.

Unfortunately most Southern lesbians of that time despised ki-ki women. You might as well be (gasp! The horror!) bisexual. They didn’t know what to do with it.

Most of the students were from Northern states so the general butchy thing applied. Four more years of sports. However, I found Crew, which is a really tough sport, and built a body like Mortal sin. Which is never a bad thing. And at least no balls or javelins or other projectories were involved so I was pretty safe.

I have been arrested for holding my girlfriend’s hands in public. I have marched in Chicago’s early Pride parades and gotten arrested there, too. I am living breathing example of the history of our poor battered fight for equal rights in America.

As time has marched inexorably forward I have slowly divested myself of my butchy little past. I suppose I am a lipstick lesbian although the times now are such that I no longer even need that label. I live a fairly traditional lifestyle with my butch wife. I’m a do-ee for the most part (except for my birthday and Christmas and when wifey wants to really spoil me for some reason). I am an animal psychologist but it’s really a part-time job to keep me busy. I am definitely the caretaker in my household.

I was recently accused of no being a feminist by a well-intentioned but totally wrong acquaintance. Apparently my French nails are just too much for the woman. Apparently I am supposed to be some amalgamation of male and female, that metrosexual thing that’s so popular nowadays.

Feminism is all about rights to be what one is. It’s about being politically involved in the so basic right to reproductive freedom. It’s abou raising awareness of the plight of women and children in this country. It’s about fighting the held belief that we are somehow inferior to men. In a nutshell, feminism is about fighting all of the subtle and not-so-subtle expressions of misogny that is rampant in our culture.

When I was a kid I didn’t get to clearly express my sexuality. And now, all these years later, after all the inner turmoil I have been thru in finding out who and what I am, I am not about to change. I am a woman who shops at Victoria’s Secret. I do not “look it”. And I do not have to.

Go femmes go!

The Chicken or the Egg?

Therapists love to talk about sex. Or at least that has been our experience over the past dozen years. Maybe it’s something to do with the sexual abuse that started for us when we were so so young or the sadism in it. Or maybe people who are drawn to the profession have this inner voyeuristic thing in them.

Or maybe the just like shiny things. Ooohhh, shiny!

Whatever the case, sex has always been a topic of great interest to every shrink and therapist we have ever had. Sometimes it’s been good discussion and sometimes it’s been as dangerous as a gun to the head. Fortunately for us we have a little voyeur kink in us so as long as an adult is out it works out fine.

Here’s what everybody wants to know. Are we a lesbian because we were mutilated primarily by men or were we lucky enough to be born this way?

Good question. Most of us have wondered this ourselves. It doesn’t really matter in the end because we love women. Love love love ’em. Big ones little ones smart ones and dumb ones. Girls girls girls. When a couple has a boy you congratulate the parents. When a couple has a girl you congratulate the world. We consider ourselves to be a part of the luckiest minority on the planet

We are finding that a big plus to this whole DID thing is that we can find out amazing things about ourself that had always been hidden from our view.

Recently we were sitting inT’s office and somebody in here brought this question up. They were talking about what we might have been had our life not stopped so early. T had a marvelous revelation.

Apparently there’s a five year old girl inside who regularly pops up to talk to her. One day this impish little thing says out of the blue “I like girls!”. Apparently we’d had crushes on and fascination with just about every woman who had crossed her path.

We told a story about telling this to our favorite aunt who said “well that makes you very special and very lucky. Not everybody will always think that but you are!”.

So THERE for all those folks out there who believe that lesbians can’t get a man or that joining the Other Team is commonly a result of childhood sexual abuse.

We adore women because that is who we are. Not from a necessary rejection of all men. But because we were just born lucky. I mean, some of our best friends are Those People but that doesn’t mean we want to sleep with them.

So there’s the answer. Phoo on anybody who ever asks us again if we just hate men from the abuse. We’re one of the fortunate few who gets to do it with women.