So. As we work on what it means to be freed of the o nect of our fears we’re having these little IDE’s of understanding. One of which is how we deal in relation to sex these days.
Well frankly Philip, it’s a tangle (The Lion In Winter). For most of our life, up to the last six months, we had to deal with alot of physical pain around sex. This has been fixed so we now have this new toy, orgasm, which frankly is a really marvelous thing, right? Because the pain is gone, we are able to be there for it. Another marvel. By not dissociating to avoid that horrid ouchie we have a shiny new toy that frankly takes up alot of our thought. Understandably so. It has been especially great for our marriage, which is pretty obvious why. We get to figure out how it works which is well just the bee’s knees haha.
There’s a very scary component here. As there are very many scary things about sex for any survivor. Since we’re awake we have to deal with the emotional connection that grows. We are happy in it but there is that frust bugaboo that’s so tough to work with. But we are getting there. Well worth the risk as we are finding out.
Also we are on hormones for menopause, one of the pleasant side effects of which is a spiked libido. Nice.
So there are all of these great things going on around sex, but there is one place that really really stings. And thanks to it we objectify the whole sex thing. Which as a feminist is just so much not so much.
It has to do with body ownership and the right to do with it what we want. If seems our body was fakeN from us by our perpetrators when we were so you g that we hasn’t really formed a sense of physical ownership. And since our violations came at a level of bodily integrity…that is all that we know. The concept that we physically belong to ourself seems so foreign we can’t wrap our head around it. We don’t even really know what it can mean. When you cross this concept with issues regarding acceptance of sex as something we get to have now, consensual and all, things get really painful and confusing really quickly.
So in order to claim our physical being and it’s right to have a sexlife we have had to distance ourself from it. Keep it outside ourself so we can look at it. Toss it around in our brain.
And that means objectification. Ugh, how completely unflattering. T mentioned the other day that we sound like a frat boy of something and she is absolutely right. But we know of no other way to sort of “try on” these issues of ownership from a connected place. Hurts just way too much. Just way too confusing.
We getthat this is a very temporary way to handle this whole thing. It is not who we are at all. But for right now we have no other ideas as to bow to go about putting sex in it’s context that’s appropriate for us. We’re trying to see it as an opportunity foe growth and to no judge ourselves too harshly. Bu it is not easy, we do ‘t naturally let ourselves off the hook.
SElf-realization is a truly great gift. But along with the good discoveries there must also be areas that need some…work. So here’s a very unflattering one. Not so much.
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