@TheLesbianMafia thinks CSA is funny

April 23, 2010 at 8:23 am (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor, gay lesbian chic queer gay marriage civil rights, Lesbian)
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Wow, talk about not getting it. Talk about billinh yourself as “politically Savvy” and thinking jokes about child sexual abuse are okay to tweet to your 22,000 followers, who have of course RT’d you.

These chicks last weekend told a joke about not taking candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride. Obvious association to child sexual abuse, right? When it came across my tweetstream on that day I sent them a response to the effect that I’m sure you mean no harm but CSA is never funny. A few hours later an RT on the joke came across my stream from a complete stranger. I blew up, telling @TheLesbianMafia that people are RTing them, that they should know better than to promote tolerance of these horrid crimes by joking about it. I asked them to delete the message and told them for shame you have a responsibility to not continue to proliferate a culture in which making light of CSA is acceptable. I said you know better. Which, if they are “politically savvy”, they should know better. For shame. I sent the link to my blog detailing the impact of their actions on me. Every couple of days I’ve been saying you can apologize any time now….

Today I received a note from Unfollowr telling me that they had unfollowed me. No apology no fuck you, no nothing. Apparently they stand by their commitment to make light of child sexual abuse and think nothing of letting their followers spread their toxic beliefs.

I suppose I was not really surprised that they unfollowed me. Some people are unable to take responsibility for their actions. I expect this kind of toxic thing from pedophiles, from men. From people who are into perpetuating rape culture in this society. But I did not expect this from them.

I suppose it’s not fair to adjudge “politically savvy” people to a higher standard than for the population at large. But not from my own people. Not from people who position themselves in the ways they do. Now that I know they’re not going to take responsibility for their actions I am going to block them. I don’t need people in my life who joke about the loss of my childhood, about child sexual abuse. But it still pisses me off that now I have to work that tiny bit more to undo the damage they’ve caused by propping up the notion that it’s funny, that it’s not real, that child sexual abuse is somehow something to be laughed away. But this is not over. Bitches.

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My Life Is Not A Joke

April 18, 2010 at 4:03 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor, Lesbian)
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Recently I had a panic attack on Twitter. Not so much. It took an hour for me to calm myself enough to just sob. I am crying still.

Here’s what happened. Saturday afternoon I was twetting away with some friends. A huge lesbian activist group, the Lesbian Mafia, tweeted a “joke”: don’t take candy from strangers unless they offer to give you a ride.

Obvious reference to advice given to children about abuse, right? No doubt about it, a joke about CSA. I was shocked. I immediately tweeted them that I’m sure they mean no harm blah blah but CSA is never funny. No response.

Imagine my shock a few hours later to see this “joke” RT’d by someone I didn’t know. I blew up, sending three tweetst to the dykes. And then I had a massive panic attack, right there for all the world to see.

Jokes about CSA are never okay. It cannot be tolerated. Every time such words go by and are not pointed out it further causes acceptance of the most vile criminal acts that exist.

I felt that I was being made light of personally. I was being personally attacked. My childhood was being diminished. Again, as it was when I was a kid and nobody believed me. MY pain was being denied me.

It’s bad enough when a pedophile makes this kind of “joke”. It’s bad enough when men do it. I can accept that. But from my own people? Lesbian Activists? I flew apart.

My life is not a joke. I was abused/assaulted/raped/prostituted over 40 times before I reached my teen years. It is not funny. These things happened to me and there is NO occasion in which ANYONE can make light of it. I do not care who you are.

Tolerance of child sexual abuse is what perpetuates child sexual abuse. It is a life-altering, crushingly painful thing that shatters the minds of children and keeps them shattered their entire lives unless they are fortunate enough to be able to go through years and years and years of horrendous medication and psychotherapy.

These women know better. They fully understand the damage that is caused by acceptance and “joking” about domestic violence and prostitution and the inequality of women in this culture.

Do not make light of my painful experience, bitch. Do no continue to perpetuate rape culture against children. You have alof of followers and you need to understand your responsibility therefrom.

What happened to me is in the Library of Congress by now. I couldn’t breathe I was in sudden shock. No warning. Plummeting in public but I couldn’t stop typing. I can’t breathe I can’t breathe fuck fuck blah blah.

I was completely hysterical. I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t even read the screen. Completely demeaned. In the snap of a finger. I emailed my therapist, I really don’t know why. I mean what was there to do but ride it out? But inwaa so unsafe it seemed that anything could happen and I had to reach out…just in case.

Look at me. Look me right in the eye and tell me your fucking joke. And I will tear you to fucking bits. Bitch.

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Resilience and Power

March 3, 2010 at 10:24 am (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
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Dissociation can come in really handy. It has helped us to deal with yet another rape. The parts that flew away and separated the experience into tiny little manageable pieces have done their job. I don’t know how to deal with if as a whole present person because I am not a whole present person yet. And we won’t be for some time to come.

We were thinking about this thing all wrong. Triggered parts were screeching teenagers were so pissed that we let it happen that they turned our hAir bright orange and had if cut off. Other parts were self-blaming and yet others were laughing it off. Chaos.

So we were trying to cull from all this information what we “really” were feeling. We were feeling it all. All these splinters had real, true, honest reactions. It has been a busy time. So much so that even the mysterious Timebomb popped up to threaten our physical existence.

We have been given permission to not be too worried about all of this. We are working on a new internal system that will
Allow for greater flexibility and sharing of information. Something to do with water and tsunamis, the Weaver still doesn’t really know.

What we are coming to understand is that relative to people who are only one thing don’t have the plethora of survival skills that we’ve got. To be given permission to use them beings great power with it. We can create our own thing? This feels very strong. Or perhaps it’s that we are realizing our own strength.

We get to not be crippled by this last assault. We can hide in a million places to protect ourself until it’s ready to be dealt with. We can be entertaining, we can blast Noe Cocker and the Eagles until our ears ring. We can play wii we can Do It. We can write paint cook and work out. If the SI bugaboo comes knocking we can validate her needs without letting her carve us up on the inside or the outside.

In short, we’re very flexible. We don’t have to make sense of it because right now there is no sense to be made. We don’t understand what being present means for very good reasons. Reasons that are coming in very handy just now.

We feel very empowered just now. We can use the skills we’ve honed to deal with what’s really an immediate crisis. We can choose to leave the shit alone for now. That’s a pretty big step.

Of course we hear that this is not the best idea in general, to continue to dissociate as a general coping mechanism. But what we’ve just gone thru is not a General thing. Right now keeping safe and practicing better self-management is enough. And that is really really cool.

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Yup, I Am A Miracle

February 24, 2010 at 5:43 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
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Yup, there is no doubt about it. I am indeed a miracle.

I have been writing about my experiences with PTSD and now DID/trauma work since I first began having flashbacks, over a dozen years ago. I also have an impressive collection of writings and paintings I did as a kid at the times of each specific abuse incident. Well, many of them anyway. Some days I would just color a page in solid black or red.

I was sexually abused/assaulted/raped/sodomized/gangraped and worse probably about forty-fifty times. The specifics of each of these incidents was as unique as the snow that’s falling from
The sky as I look out the window now.

If you can imagine a horrific thing happening to a kid, it happened to me. If you’ve seen it on a slasher film, it happened to me. Prostitution pornographic bestial BDSM public shame–whatever man. It happened to me.

For some reason I have really gotten into reviewing this stuff lately. In the past I’ve reviewed my writing or taken a look in the Box Of Horrors and have fled into a self-punishing dreamland of flashbacks and panic. Sometimes for weeks.

But just lately I have noticed something very very new. I am somehow able to view the shit from a perspective of thankfulness that I have survived. I can’t imagine it, how that tiny little girl could have gotten thru it all and has lived to tell the tales. Slowly tell them, sometimes in bits and fragments and disjointed sense of time. But telling it all the same.

I think of all of the punishment that little girl’s body endured. It is incomprehensible to me how we all made it through.

I know how we did it, of course. Our brain functions changed In an effort to deal with just too much. We gave birth to hypervigilance and depersonalization and we split into a hundred little fragments. We incorporated introjects and absorbed the toxic shame. We lost years. And on and on and on.

But just now I am in utter awe at my resilience and creativity and sheer toughness. I am like the stories you read about mothers who pick up cars to free their underpinned children. But I carry that strength every second of every single day.

So I might cut myself every once in awhile. I might fail to eat for days. I may beat myself up internally and have rageout days and fail to speak my truths from time to time. I may have days where I can hardly move.

But these are all just part of the process. I don’t know how to heal having never done it before. But I will. I don’t have to do it alone and I don’t have to do it all today.

It’s totally the truth. I am a major miracle. Cool.

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Forgiveness For Perps? WTF?

February 15, 2010 at 9:53 am (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
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Grrrrrr. Sometimes Twitter can be a bitch. We were innocently scrolling thru and catching up when we came across two tweets from a therapist who declared that forgiving one’s perpetrators is a vital piece of the healing process. That she has seen miraculous work and progress from many patients when they have walked thru this “step”.

Grrrrrrr. This person posits that forgiveness is a sense of understanding that their perpetrators were very sick people in themselves and that when a survivor recognnizes this that sunshine and candies reign down from the skies.

Grrrr. Forgiveness is a Very complex issue. For some
People we’re sure it is a wondrous thing. If they’re too preoccupied with hatred for these people then we can see that changing frameworks that lead to self-harm would be a grand and exciting thing.

But if is absolutely NOT a requirement for healing that one forgives the people who have done terrible freakish and sadistic to them as children. What we have learned in over twelve years of therapy is that it’s a freeing thing to create space in the mind where one can move on. Stop the repetitive and exhausting preoccupation with those people as introject and go forward to let in new air. New thoughts helpful coping mechanisms.

But don’t dare tell us that we have to adopt any sort of compassion for our monsters. Understanding oh they were just sick so forgive them, poor things. This is a issue of culpability. And they do not deserve to be let off the hook.

We don’t care what led our perpetrators to act in the ways that they did. The behavior is enough for us to address. Don’t imply that there is some magic place that one gets to when they’re “ready”. This is not a required “stage”. To tell us that we are just not there yet implies no responsibility on our part that we’re not prepared for “yet”. It is not a contest.

When we first realized that we did not have to forgive or feel any sor of positive bonding thing toward the people who did such monstrous things to us it freed us from the constant ruminations we felt compelled to feel. We can move forward quite nicely without thinking anything like compassion for those rotten little bastards.

It is naive in the least to believe that all survivors must forgive. It is damaging at the most to criticize another’s individual choices on their personal healing.

Don’t tell me I have to forgive, honey. I don’t care what your interpretations are on your clienfs’ processes. I can only adjudge my own.

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Thankfulness, Who Knew

February 12, 2010 at 6:33 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor, Lesbian)
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Had a very bad day yesterday. We were sexually Assaulted by a client. After a few hours’ wandering in the desert of depersonalization we awoke, startled to find that the sun was shining and that we’re totally okay.

Thankful about so many things this morning. For our inner protectors who got us home and kept us safe when we
Couldn’t manage that ourselves. Thankful for the support of so many who brought us back with their concern and their humor. Thankful for T, who did ‘t overreact and who allowed us to get out of it okay. Thankful for the incredible empowerment we feel from that.

We’re thankful that we are able to dislodge this little wrinkle from our past and see it in the context of our present-day adult life. We’re thankful for the one inside us who is soothing the freaked-out parts right now and for keeping that off-line.

Thankful for this opportunity to see just how far we have come, to be able to be angry about it yes but within reasonable limits. This will not throw us back into the dark ages. It will not shut us down. It will not send us out of our mind because we’ve discovered thru it just how strong we truly are.

Thankful. Just so thankful foe this opportunity to learn to grow and to realize that we are pretty touch shit. Huh. It’s Grand.

Later note: we have blogged about this woman before. Can see the transition in her mind now like glass. We have failed her, actually, by not really giving her the opportunity for self-growth thru her erotic transference for us. Not a job well done, Splint. She’s still culpable of course. But we could have done much more for the poor thing. Or are we just in a place where we still excuse violations to our bodily integrity because it doesn’t really belong to us anyway??? Sheesh.

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Bad body. Bad body

February 5, 2010 at 12:51 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
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So. We have been trying very hard to sort ou where this brutal self-hatred comes from. Who feels and why. Getting the few who have self-compassion to pass that along to the rest. Unsuccessfully.

Yesterday red, a talkative 5 year old little girl, told about why she is so bad, so so bad. One reason anyway she was thinking.

Sometimes it feels like the Big Girls when I’m not supposed to be there. T says you don’t go away like you promised? Shrug. Well that is time for the adults and not for you, I really need for you to go away then. Shrug.

I don’t really know what you mean exactly says T. Like how the Big Girls feel. Do you mean her and the other woman who lives with you? Uh huh. I see.

Well, that is just what children’s bodies can feel, you can’t help it. That doesn’t mean there was anything good about it or that you wanted it or anything, right? Shrug. I know this is hard to talk about but I need for you to get uncrunched and look at me. Can you do that? No. Okay.

What the adults do is sex, right? Nod. That is in the context of consent, mutual consent. Did you ask for what uncle Norman did to you? No, shrug. Did you ask to feel that way? Shrug no. But the big ones they can decide when they want to feel like that. Yes I’m sure they can, they are adts. You can’t do that. Children can’t do that and it is very confusing. That is why children shouldn’t be exposed to sex at all. Not ever. Shrug I’m so, so bad I shouldn’t have felt like that it’s so bad. No, that is just what bodies do. That’s all. None of this is your fault. It is just what bodies do sometimes.

While this was going on, all this talk about violations to bodily integrity, I was listening. And it all makes perfect sense to me. This is all her body’s fault. If it wasn’t there at the time they would have been safe. It’s not her who’s bad and disgusting, it’s her body. That’s what needs the punishment.

So that’s what I am doing. I’ve kept her from
Drinking or eating anything for several days now and with this discussion I am just gaining momentum. I cut her to pieces with the Painter’s xacto knife yesterday. It’s the only thing that has made much sense in awhile now. It’s not that we’re too fat or too dumb or whatever. It’s the body.

Seems easy enough to fix. She has this very high tolerance for pain so feels nothing from it physically. But the blood makes sense.

Nothing the body wants. Get rid of the thing a d until we can make that happen punish it. Bad body, bad bad body.

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No color for Coping

January 26, 2010 at 3:16 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor, Lesbian)
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If it’s Tuesday we must be talking about therapy. There will be some *****TRIGGERS****so beware.

Walk into T’s office. Hi there hi who are you oh nobody (nobody is a deliverer of messages). Well hi there…..They’re in a rage. Total rageout meltdown. Ah, so do you know what happened? Yes, well. She got this new game for her wii, you know how she uses that thing to zone out…yes not the best idea but I know about it….well, in this game it’s called wakeboarding. Wakeboarding is like slalom waterskiing, you know, only one ski. She’s good at it because it’s all about rhythm. Anyway, she was playing along then WHAM! got slammed by memories of when she learned to do it. Really, what happened? Well, Norman (the pedophile) took her way up in Wisconsin to this lake. Thunderbird Lake whatever. Remember talking about how they throw up when they smell pine forests? Yessss….well this is why.

***MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS PART*********

Among other things when she was chained up naked to a tree in the night he raped her with this long gun he had. I don’t know guns if was a…rifle? Sort of a short cold metal muzzle and this wider wooden part. Can you feel that now does it feel like that is happening now? To the kid it happened to, yes. Hurt like a sonofabitch I do know that. Does this new one, does she feel that right now? Yes. Is this a new thing a new memory a new sadistic thing no somebody has always know it but somebody’s experiencing it at a more intense level right now? Yes. From a wii game? Yes.

***OKAY THAT PART IS OVER *******

Well says T you have stuff all over the place right now don’t you? Yes. Does this feel like a crisis thing? (no answer of course it is). I mean, things are pretty chaotic, right? Yes, very. Like last week, going to the fucking DMV fucking with getting laid because of the teenagers yes that is what I mean…..

Well, they are in a rage. Well the one who experienced this is going to have to talk about this at some point so that we can move through it productively. But I think before we do any more of that we need to ge you stabilized so that you can manage the aftereffects of these things. Well yes. Because it sounds more and more like you are getting struck by stuff all over the place…..yes and as you know they have no coping skills. I mean, they’re trying to feel things you know go through them, right? Sit with them and experience them for the first time without hiding or hurting themselves or whatever? Yes, well that’s the idea but first we have to get you safe.

T says I know that we have talked about this, can you come up with a room or some sort of container to put things in until you can get here? (hidden rage). Well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Enter the Furies. (self-abusers of protection). Hi? Yeah it’s the Furies. Look we have told you this the container thing. It doesn’t work that way. Lemme try to explain. Again. On the very top is the Weaver. She sits atthe top of the pile. Picture a gigantic loom, shuttling back and forth, back and forth. The Weaver decides who to bring out to do what. Like throwing out colors we are really just all colors. And on the other side of the loom is the tapestry that she produces. That is her life, that tapestry. So okay (nastily) do you get this now???? It’s not a spatial thing it’s all about the colors.

The issue since you taking us away to hurt them and make them safe is that there is no color for coping with this shit. For feeling all of this. No color coming, the loom has stopped.

What does that mean, the loom has stopped? It’s frozen, the system. They are all frozen. Somebody drives and somebody brushes her teeth. And that’s about it.

That’s about it? Is she eating they haven’t eaten in days we don’t think. (writes furiously). The wii says she’s losing weight way too fast…..anyway you taking us away, you have to give us the color for this coping bullshit because everything’s falling apart…..

T says well we have argued before, right? I am very confused I don’t understand how you protect her by all of the self-harm that you have done…(nasty look). Okay. We are like the circuit breaker. When it’s too much for the other colors we come out to make sure everybody knows just how much she hurts. Crystal clear. But you’re telling me you are in a rage, that many parts are in this blinding fury, right? So at some level doesn’t somebody know how hurt they are? Because I have talked to other parts and they seem to very much know how much they hurt….

Well, you have a point. We will change to better protect her, I mean that’s our job. T says she doesn’t need protection any more. She needed protection from a very sick deranged and sadistic man when she was young but he’s dead and it’s over. She doesn’t need protection (not beliving it). Well then just what the fuck does she need? She needs safety. Think of it this way, safety. She needs somebody to get in touch with me when there’s a crisis happening or when she’s not eating for days, that kind of thing. If somebody gets suicidal. Is anybody suicidal right now?

RAGEOUT. LOOK THEY COME HERE AND YOU CARE ABOUT THEM FOR 45 MINUTES TWICE A WEEK AND WE’RE LEFT WITH THE REFUSE. THERE IS NO COLOR FOR COPING AND IT IS JUST A DISASTER!

*****careful here trigger warning********

I MEAN SHE WAS FUCKED WITH A GUN FOR GOD’S SAKE. I MEAN(pounding on self, kicking etc) HE FUCKED HER WITH A GUN!!! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!!!!!LIKE WHEN HE LET HIS BUDDIES GANG-RAPE HER, ALL
THOSE MEN SEEMED LIKE FOR HOURS ALL YELLING AND CHEERING AS IF SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE!!! WHAT THE FUCK WHO CAN EVEN IMAGINE THIS SHIT IN THEIR MIND FOR FUCK’S SAKE??????AAAAHHHHH!!!!! GOD!!!!

***** should be okay now********

T is sitting forward in her chair also speaking rapidly. Some of her parts are http:experiencing this anger for the first time, aren’t they? YES I MEAN WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK MAN?? LIKE SHE WASN’T EVEN HUMAN LIKE SHE WASN’T EVEN THERE!!!! T says that’s exactly right, they didn’t treat you like you were human, like you had any rights at all. He treated you like garbage. NO FUCKING SHIT!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!! GOD THIS HURTS!!! AAAAAHHHHH!!

(significant pause in the action, Furies stop screaming)

And this is exactly why you have to give us the color for dealing with this shit. I mean, you want for them to feel this shit, right? We have to deal with it to get to whatever other side there is, right? T says to healing, yes. That’s right. So tell us what to do. Well, I think that if you can provide her with safety like we just talked about that would be a good thing. Yes, well, we don’t know anything about safety yes I know. But just start with the basics, how’s that? Get her eating and taking basic care of herself that would be good. If it feels like a crisis and she needs to see me you can let me know. If she’s getting suicidal can you let me know?

AAAAHHHH WHAT THE FUCK MAN HOW CAN A PERSON DO THOSE THINGS? I don’t know. Is anybody suicidal right now? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(another significant pause). T says I want you to know that this is a really big deal, that parts of you are feeling this rage now. She says I think it’s because you have stopped hurting her, like there’s space for it. She says this is huge progress and I want all the parts of you to know that I think that. You have been working really really hard. I know how you are feeling, I know that it is just horrible. But this is a really important part of it. Can you get that message out?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hi. Hiiiiii, who’s with me now? Central well hello there, hi. We are in a blind rage. Yes, that is what I hear. Do you know who all is feeling this way? (dismissive hand wave) oh you know just the ones who do. Is it a new thing for some of them oh yeah, totally. We are falling apart. Yes, that is how it seems….We’re just frozen, you know? How’s that? Frozen like they cannot function. Well I hear that it’s kind of overwhelming right now yes and I was talking with the Furies they are going to attend to some of that basic self-care stuff. Really? Well that makes sense….Because what you went thru is pretty awful, isn’t it? Yeah. And so dealing with it is going to be pretty bad at times too. Yeah well violence is afoot. Sorry? Violence, there’s violence about. Well that doesn’t surprise me. You have seen alot of violence in your day.

Yeah. It’s the trying to not go away or whatever. You know, this dealing with it this coping thing. We’re a trainwreck because there’s just no color for coping…………God I’m tired. Why am I so tired? (throat hurts).

T says so until you got here, what has been going on about this rage what do you mean I mean what have they been doing about it pushing it down. (short silence). Well you know what I think about that that it’s not the best idea as we are seeing just now….

Shouldn’t we be feeling sad about all of this shit? I mean, it seems like that would be appropriate or something. Yes, one day you will be. And that is going to be hard. Harder than this? Oh we are just at the beginning we aren’t really anywhere yet. Although this is huge dis you get that message yeah well we don’t so much feel like having a party in the streets right now.

I know.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

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Nothing to say

January 24, 2010 at 10:41 am (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
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We wish we had something to say today. To somebody, anybody. But it is a very empty world out there. Flashback hangover has left us exhausted and without any connections to this world.

We wish we could say that we are fighting the good fight but the fact is that Fascist Germany is blitzing and there’s noplace to run. We are spoiled and we can’t handle bravely the exploding bombs all around us today.

We wish we could say that we are able to think of something other than the horrific things that people did to us. The total abandonment the betrayal the physical pain. The feeling of being trapped like a rat but without teeth or claws. Helpless. We ha e fallen into the Black Pit, which for science buffs is a black hole that is so dense it gobbles up the light.

We are so cold inside today. Colder than a brass toilet seat in the Yukon. Think about it, that’s cold.

We want to scream from the rooftops about what was done to us. Specifically. We wan to write about the horrific
Sadistic shit that happened. We want to shake T and say see this is all too much there is no going here and surviving. After all we didn’t really survive it the first time, did we? Just fabricated this intricate multiple-headed idiot who can’t seem to handle much of anything. Dickwad.

The Furies are out and that means our head is filled with violence and pain. They do this to make a point, so that everybody in the system knows what filth is the body that they live in. Clear? Crystal.

We are very sad and that is nothing to say. We are completely helpless. Nothing to say.

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What flashbacks are like

January 23, 2010 at 2:40 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
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*****TRIGGER WARNING********

So. This is what a flashback is like. We saw something on a blog, specifically about someone who self-mutilates sexually (I know. What were you thinking?). Because they had had a posiive physical response to some parts of their abuse. Which happens. We’re 50-50 okay about it which is a big improvement.

So. We thought we were okay then BLAMMO! First notices the smell that sick smell of sweat and alcohol and cigarettes and semen. Disgusting. As soon as we became aware of the smell we had this horrific taste. Cigarettes semen alcohol and our own blood from a punch in the mouth.

Off fonthe races. Can’t breathe like something is pressing on our chest like choking at the same time. Don’t know where we are bug we’re trapped, panicked. Start watching ourself, the cats, that pulled-away feeling when we’re dissociating.

Hear a rustling sound, like feet walking on leaves. He’s coming, he’s coming. Oh god panic. Panic. Sudden sharp pain in the ribs from being kicked. Male screaming. Laughter from other men. Suddenly dead mom’s voice nobody in my family would do such a thing. Feel it in me ouch ouch better not make a sound or he will come. Confused.

Heart racing. Panic. Trapped nowhere to run. Where aRe we where are we?

The smell and the taste are most repugnant.

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