Floating

September 28, 2010 at 12:53 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
Tags: CSA, dissociation

I seem to be floating in space. Should be running today but a nagging little thing in my right calf says no. Wife left early thisorning for five days to San Jose. Which is a nice little rest.

I seem to have picked up a bottle of dark tequila on my way home from The Client Who Never Listens.

I feel fine, maybe a tad confused how it can possibly be 2:00 already. I seem to have gone away from 11:30 ’til now.

I don’t know what the deal is but I just really need to get Away today. The teenagers of course are delighted, but me not so much. I have a bad relationship with alcohol and generally just stay away from it.

I think it might be the strain of keeping this huge FUBAR self-discovery under my hat until I see C and she can help me deal with it. Little things that I know perfectly well how to handle are piling up. Mention of something that takes me back to about age eight, a bad bad bad year. A couple of other very minor things.

I don’t even want to get drunk, this is the thing. I am not in a panic or anxious in the least, just a bit frazzled. My coping skills seem to be rather far away, altho’ I am smoking on the piano. Pink Floyd is a godsend today.

I should be opening my painting season. It is always my best coping thing to do ( other than running). I have a brilliant 2-panel thing in my mind, but I just can’t seem to get there from here. In my pj’s already.

I need a plan.