All Roads

December 18, 2010 at 3:28 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
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May trigger, be respponsible. It’s all just shit anyway.

It breaks my heart everytime I wind up here. That place where I am unseen, invalued, nonexistent.

It breaks my heart because I have had to work so fucking hard my entire life to just keep living. And in the end I can say that I might have felt ok for awhile–but it’s all just illusion.

I am of no value. Any chance that i may have been was stolen from me at a very young age.

I have lost the point of all this effort. It’s effort that seeks to make my life tolerable? Why live then if that’s the only purpose?

I could say that my life is about learning my karmic lessons. To be better, to heal. Maybe I have kbown my lrsson my entite life and that this is it. That i am unseeable, unable to be truly recognized or valued. In this case the best thong to do is to just start over and learn what i need to for the next time.

I am so tired. I am so over all this shit. I’m tired of banginv mh head against a wall so that i can achieve a few short time periods in which i don’t want to be just dead.

There are a few people who would be sad if i left. But they’d likely just be relieved in the end. I contribute nothing. And frankly i can’t keep breathing for the sake of anybody else.

To live for living’s sake makes no sense. There is no intrinsic value in existence bound by space and time.

All roads end here. I can expend every bit of energy i have to try to do this Healing thing but i never will be on that road. It’s just too much. There is too much fear, too much anger and confusion. Too much pain to handle.

I should have died so many times. It’s just pkain cruelty that I was left alive. Like keeping a serial murderer alive in prison for the rest of his life rather than granting capital punishment

I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep fighting and fighting and fighting anymore. It is just not worth it. Existence is killing me. I have tried. I have given this one all that I had. I have given people all i had and more.

And in the end? I’m exhausted and beaten and i just have nothing left to offer. Nothing left to give myself or anybody else. All roads eventually end up here. It’s been just too much pain.

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Dear Uncle Norman

March 24, 2010 at 12:33 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor)
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Dear Uncle Norman,

There’s a bunch of us who want to tell you things. Things like why? Why did you hurt us in so many sadistic ways when we were so, so young? We know what you would say at the time. That it just wasn’t our day but it was your day and that’s what mattered. That we made you do them to us. That we wee so bad we really needed to be punished. That even god someday will punish us even more. Which is weird because there isn’t even a god and you know we know that.

You never once said that you were sorry. Because you never were sorry, were you? You would have been sorry if the gun you stuck in us ever went off. Or if you beat us really to death. You’d have been sorry if you had been caught.

Here is what some of us want to say to you.

This is red. I am five. You almost choked me when you put your thing in my mouth. I could have choked. I know I was almost blue in the face because I was watching. When you kick me in the sides it hurts to breathe. I had to do what you told me to do because you have to do what the adults tell you to do. But you made me be so bad and when I come
Back next time I’m going to be a bug or something because of you. Now I have to start all over again and I won’t get to be a person ever again.

Why did you fake me for ice cream or go to look at puppies. I did not ever want to be around again because you never know what will happen. But you have to do what adults say and so.

I know some of what you did to the very little ones and how that made them be so bad right from the beginning. You are a mean man to hurt me and them but adults are adults so it must have been me and them because adults are never wrong.

I have somebody now who I can tell now. She is very nice most of the time and she says that you are the bad one. Not me and not the littles. I don’ know how that can be but you stink anyway.

This is the one who likes physics. I am seven. You passed me around to all of your men friends and they did such bad bad things. You hurt me from the behind and that really really hurt. You hit me and you kicked me and you pushed me down and you know what you did.

I don’t getto be a kid. The other kids are running around going crazy at recess but all I can do is sit against the wall. I hurt all the time. I don’t understand what the other kids are doing. How can they laugh and have fun when such horrible things happen? I know the teachers talk to mom and dad about it but it doesn’t matter. Mom knows and dad doesn’t really care. Nobody cares. I am not worth saving.

I am two and a half. I do not like you. You hurt me. I don’t want your fingers there. I don’t want any of you there. When you laugh when I feel sick it is my fault. You do not know how smart I am. When you hurt me and then you go away I am so scared but I do not cry. You might come back and That is bad. Ouch.

We are the teenagers. You son of a bitch. How could you hurt her in the sadistic ways that you did? She is a fucking mess you know. Even though you’ve stayed away for awhile now we are still waiting for you to come back. We will always wait for you to come back.

She’s such a fucking mess that she is completely gone and we have to do all the living for her. She is hiding way down deep. They are hiding way down deep. She has cut herself up I to hundreds of little bits to survive. It is a huge pain in the ass for us. We are supposed to be having fun now but we have to just drag her around. School is nothing, they can’t keep up with us. When we go off to college we are going to go as far away from you as we can go. We’re able to go anywhere in the world we want to jus have to see what they decide. We excel in hiding, nobody knows a thing about us.

You suck. You did things to that useless little work that nobody could even think of, much less do. You convinced them that they are at fault and that has really fucked with her brain.

We have to always be on the lookou for you. There really is no rest, no sleep. You could pop up anywhere and her fucking parents wouldn’t give fuck one. Alert, always be alert.

She is good at being away by now. We watch life as it goes by and it’s draining. Life is complicated enough. There’s a girl
In school who really wants to go out with us, but we can’t because we can’t ever let our guard down. She mightbturn out to be you in disguise.

You have taken her whole life from her you know. Why didn’t you just kill her off? Because tha would have been the compassionate thing to do. You bastard.

Norman, this is the adults now. You motherfucking bastard, how could you betray that little girl’s trust like that? You were the only refuge she had from the nightmare of her home. You knew that and you just stomped all over her. You bastard.

You are dead now which is a tremendous tragedy. Because we would just love to go find you in Ohio, living peacefully with your new family, and cut off your fucking balls. Leave YOU to bleed in. Agony for awhile, see how you like it. Not ao much we’re sure.

You stole her childhood. You stole her ability go trust anyone, especially herself. You took away her ability to live in the world with only one mind. Yountook happiness, adventure, play, self-soothing, titration of emotion. She has very little knowledge of he life. What she recalls most clearly and with great repetition what you did to her.

When Barb told us that you had died from Parkinson’s after a long long battle with the diseAse, we could not have been more pleased. Not suffering enough to make up foe all the painthat you put on her, no. But something at least there was a time of great anguish for you. You bastard.

You put all of them through living hell. We know you didn’t care but we hope that your God has you suffering forever now.

We have recently discovered that we have the authority and the power to get you away from your dominance, your constant control over us. So that is what we are going to do.

We no longer allow you to terrorize us as you have for nearly 50 years. There is no forgining coming your way but ww can learn to kick you out of our head and out of our body. We got the clot thing fixed you sonofabitch so there.

So. You will always be a part of us. There is no b ging history. Bu we can change beginning today. No more for you.

Go screw yourself. Have a really shifty death.

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