Communication in Change

July 26, 2010 at 5:22 pm (dissociation complex Ptsd trauma child sexual abuse DID psychology survivor, Lesbian)
Tags: communication, it's not magic, open-mindddness, relationships, thriving, trauma

I have been in an absolute mess of a monogamous relationship for years now. We have had good breaks in here and there but basically it has been a nightmare.

It did not really matter all that much when I did not see that I have any value. Disposable, a waste of the oxygen I breathe. I spent over a decade just trying tomstay alive. There was not much room foe anything else in my life.

And as I begin to awaken to my life, to truly getting to live and laugh and experience–the damage that’s been wrought on my relationship is abundantly clear. Many things are not okay. I’ve been pissed off at my partner, sure she’s not going to be able to let go enough to give me some room.

So. She had a complete meltdown on minutes before my leaving for therapy. By the time I got to C I was livid. I notched for probably 35 minutes. All kinds of rage.

Then C as she can do says “I’m listening to you and I can’t tell what parts are your wife being too controlling and you being too passive.”

Bang. You mean that I can possibly be responsible for my life, for the relationships I have in it? You mean that communication might be possible? You mean that I might be able to talk and listen and talk about things that are starting to matter to me?

So wifey and I have been talking and it has been quite a learning experience. I understand her shit much better and I am letting her into mine. Which is intidaring and frightening and valuable at the same time.

I am very cautious. Wife is very cautious. We both have good reasons to be so. But a tiny bit at a time I am investing in something. I am investing in my relationship and that’s just huge.

T r. U. S t.